Lately I've been thinking a lot about past conversations and declarations. For as long as I can remember, I have told everyone I can remember that I wanted to adopt children. Even as a small child, I would proudly proclaim that I just knew that adoption was part of my life plan. As a teenager and college student, I maintained my passion for adoption. I remember saying on multiple occasions that I wasn't sure if I would be able to have children, and that maybe that was why God has placed adoption so strongly on my heart. I even said that if I couldn't have children I didn't think it would be as hard for me as it might be for other women.
When I began dating A, we talked of our desire for a family and both said we wanted at least three kids. About a year after our marriage, though, I remember telling him one day that I was no longer sure I wanted children. I had met several female attorneys who chose to live childlessly, and I was mesmerized by the apparent glamour of their lives.
A year later I was diagnosed with endometriosis and learned for the first time that I might, in reality, have trouble conceiving. My heart was crushed. Even though I knew we weren't yet ready to parent, I felt broken. Through that diagnosis, I realized how deeply I desired not just to have a family, but to actually conceive and bear a little piece of myself and A. I realized that being a mother was the greatest success I could ever achieve. Facing the potential that conceiving would be difficult for us, I hated that I had so flippantly declared that I might not want children and that if I couldn't have them I would be able to cope with it well. Maybe I had somehow talked God into giving me fertility problems....maybe I had brought this on myself with my words and thoughts.
Since our first loss, and continuing through the next two, I haven't let myself dwell on this regret. If I'm honest, however, I know that it's been lurking under the surface the last year, festering and feeding into my self blame. I often wonder if there was anything I could have done to save the three little lives we lost this year. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong...eating the wrong things, drinking the wrong things, exercising too much or too little. Even with this IVF cycle, I worry that I will somehow "mess up" and cause the whole thing to fail.
So my resolution for this year is to let go. I am not good at letting go...I have always achieved everything I have tried, so releasing control is not an area in which I'm comfortable. But I have to stop blaming myself. It's hard to even admit that I blame myself...if I don't admit it, I don't have to try to stop doing it. But if I ever carry a baby to term, it will not be because of something I did. If I continue to be unable to have a baby, it will not be because of something I did. Letting go will be a process for me, and I'm sure there will be relapses. It is a process I know I must begin, though, and a new year seems like a good time to start.
: ) Good luck letting go. It's hard but you can do it.
ReplyDeleteSo much of your story sounds like mine! I, too, always thought that if I couldn't conceive it would be easy for me to switch gears and choose adoption. And then when I lost two babies, I discovered how very much I want biological children.
ReplyDeleteI blamed myself, too. It is really hard to let go of. I'm still dealing with it, too. I admire your desire to let it go. Good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think self-blame is one of the hardest things to let go of, but I also think it can be done. (((Hugs)))
Blame for me is a biggy. Its becoming more apparent our childlessness is because of female factors, not male and for that I blame myself and it can drag you down-far! Good luck with letting go and NOT blaming yourself! Good luck with the IVF :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so right . . there is nothing you did or didn't do that caused your losses.
ReplyDeleteI really hope that you stay strong and don't blame yourself.
And I hope your IVF gives you a BFP!!!!
I hear you. I'm right there with you. I hope that this year brings a really sticky bean for you. For us both.
ReplyDeletehttp://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/
Just now catching up... I struggle with this too. It's so hard to not blame ourselves, but it's not fair - we didn't do anything to cause these losses.
ReplyDeleteI love that you're thinking about all this stuff - so important!