Saturday, January 1, 2011

a resolution

Lately I've been thinking a lot about past conversations and declarations.  For as long as I can remember, I have told everyone I can remember that I wanted to adopt children.  Even as a small child, I would proudly proclaim that I just knew that adoption was part of my life plan.  As a teenager and college student, I maintained my passion for adoption.  I remember saying on multiple occasions that I wasn't sure if I would be able to have children, and that maybe that was why God has placed adoption so strongly on my heart.  I even said that if I couldn't have children I didn't think it would be as hard for me as it might be for other women.  

When I began dating A, we talked of our desire for a family and both said we wanted at least three kids.  About a year after our marriage, though, I remember telling him one day that I was no longer sure I wanted children.  I had met several female attorneys who chose to live childlessly, and I was mesmerized by the apparent glamour of their lives. 

A year later I was diagnosed with endometriosis and learned for the first time that I might, in reality, have trouble conceiving.  My heart was crushed.  Even though I knew we weren't yet ready to parent, I felt broken.  Through that diagnosis, I realized how deeply I desired not just to have a family, but to actually conceive and bear a little piece of myself and A.  I realized that being a mother was the greatest success I could ever achieve.  Facing the potential that conceiving would be difficult for us, I hated that I had so flippantly declared that I might not want children and that if I couldn't have them I would be able to cope with it well.  Maybe I had somehow talked God into giving me fertility problems....maybe I had brought this on myself with my words and thoughts.

Since our first loss, and continuing through the next two, I haven't let myself dwell on this regret.  If I'm honest, however, I know that it's been lurking under the surface the last year, festering and feeding into my self blame.  I often wonder if there was anything I could have done to save the three little lives we lost this year.  I wonder if I'm doing something wrong...eating the wrong things, drinking the wrong things, exercising too much or too little.  Even with this IVF cycle, I worry that I will somehow "mess up" and cause the whole thing to fail. 

So my resolution for this year is to let go.  I am not good at letting go...I have always achieved everything I have tried, so releasing control is not an area in which I'm comfortable.  But I have to stop blaming myself.  It's hard to even admit that I blame myself...if I don't admit it, I don't have to try to stop doing it.  But if I ever carry a baby to term, it will not be because of something I did.  If I continue to be unable to have a baby, it will not be because of something I did.  Letting go will be a process for me, and I'm sure there will be relapses.  It is a process I know I must begin, though, and a new year seems like a good time to start.


  1. : ) Good luck letting go. It's hard but you can do it.

  2. So much of your story sounds like mine! I, too, always thought that if I couldn't conceive it would be easy for me to switch gears and choose adoption. And then when I lost two babies, I discovered how very much I want biological children.

    I blamed myself, too. It is really hard to let go of. I'm still dealing with it, too. I admire your desire to let it go. Good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think self-blame is one of the hardest things to let go of, but I also think it can be done. (((Hugs)))

  3. Blame for me is a biggy. Its becoming more apparent our childlessness is because of female factors, not male and for that I blame myself and it can drag you down-far! Good luck with letting go and NOT blaming yourself! Good luck with the IVF :)

  4. You are so right . . there is nothing you did or didn't do that caused your losses.
    I really hope that you stay strong and don't blame yourself.
    And I hope your IVF gives you a BFP!!!!

  5. I hear you. I'm right there with you. I hope that this year brings a really sticky bean for you. For us both.

  6. Just now catching up... I struggle with this too. It's so hard to not blame ourselves, but it's not fair - we didn't do anything to cause these losses.

    I love that you're thinking about all this stuff - so important!