Saturday, January 22, 2011

forgetting the fear

I've heard many times that women forget the pain of childbirth; otherwise, they wouldn't have second children.  This morning as my heart ached in anticipation of getting up to test again, I realized that I have, in some ways, forgotten the pain of the beta game so that I can allow myself to try again.  As I lay in bed, I just knew that the line was going to be light, maybe even lighter.  And when I peed on my stick, my fears were confirmed.  The line was slightly lighter than the one I had gotten last night, still a very faint positive.  I immediately began to cry.  I know that such a small variation shouldn't be so concerning, but with every pregnancy so far I have watched as faint positives remained faint positives, and then slowly went away altogether.  I know it's still early, and I still have immense hope*, but I have watched this story play out too many times to erase it from my mind. 

I'm sure a rational person who has never been through this would just tell me to stop testing.  For me, though, knowing is better.  With our ectopic, my HCG got high enough that I couldn't monitor it through pee sticks, but with the other two, I knew the results before getting the dreaded phone call confirming that my beta was dropping.  By self-monitoring, I am able to control my expectations and ease myself into the idea of losing another pregnancy.

One of my biggest fears is that this one won't even make it to beta day, and that the doctor's office will never even have proof that this pregnancy happened.  I am not sure why, but I need that validation.

*This hope comes largely from the fact that after sleeping for two more hours, I did get a "Pregnant" on the one digital test I found in my baby making drawer.  Seeing that word brought some comfort and restored a little hope.

10 comments:

  1. Hope you're ok and that the line shows up stronger tomorrow.

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  2. My fingers are crossed for you, but I still have hope for you!!!!!!!!
    How much longer until your beta?

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  3. I am praying for you- hang in there and keep your hopes up!!

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  4. I agree with your analogy of forgetting the fear. If my BFN results hurt each time as much as the very first time and I wasn't able to recover, I would never try again. It is amazing how no matter what happens, we can all have the resolve needed to carry us forward no matter what the outcome.

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  5. I am sorry, to have that high hope and joy and then feel as though it was dashed (yet again) is so very very painful. I am hoping that it *may* just be a variance in the test and that you will get to your betas - and take it one day at a time from there.

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  6. (((Hugs))) I am so sorry that you're test didn't get darker this morning, and I totally understand you needing to get the doctor's office to confirm that you were pregnant. I hope that things improve, and that your hope is justified.

    I also understand why it would be helpful to you to test regularly to know what is probably going on, so you can deal with your emotions in a more gradual way.

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  7. YAY!
    CONGRATS!!!

    I'm praying for you!!!!

    hugs!

    www.roaftoreproduction.blogspot.com

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  8. don't trust those tests. if the digital is saying you're pregnant, i'd trust that. there's a reason those things are so effing expensive. sending you much love to get through the next few days, which i'm sure is the hardest part of this whole thing.

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  9. Holy freakin' BFP that's awesome!!!!

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  10. Sending you some extra hope! HUGS

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