I've heard many times that women forget the pain of childbirth; otherwise, they wouldn't have second children. This morning as my heart ached in anticipation of getting up to test again, I realized that I have, in some ways, forgotten the pain of the beta game so that I can allow myself to try again. As I lay in bed, I just knew that the line was going to be light, maybe even lighter. And when I peed on my stick, my fears were confirmed. The line was slightly lighter than the one I had gotten last night, still a very faint positive. I immediately began to cry. I know that such a small variation shouldn't be so concerning, but with every pregnancy so far I have watched as faint positives remained faint positives, and then slowly went away altogether. I know it's still early, and I still have immense hope*, but I have watched this story play out too many times to erase it from my mind.
I'm sure a rational person who has never been through this would just tell me to stop testing. For me, though, knowing is better. With our ectopic, my HCG got high enough that I couldn't monitor it through pee sticks, but with the other two, I knew the results before getting the dreaded phone call confirming that my beta was dropping. By self-monitoring, I am able to control my expectations and ease myself into the idea of losing another pregnancy.
One of my biggest fears is that this one won't even make it to beta day, and that the doctor's office will never even have proof that this pregnancy happened. I am not sure why, but I need that validation.
*This hope comes largely from the fact that after sleeping for two more hours, I did get a "Pregnant" on the one digital test I found in my baby making drawer. Seeing that word brought some comfort and restored a little hope.