Monday, February 28, 2011

a rough night

While watching the oscars last night, I suddenly started spotting pink/light brown.  The doctor assured me that it was probably nothing, but I was terrified.  We went to the office at 9:00 this morning, and thankfully the twins looked great.  Both measuring at 8 weeks 5 days with heart rates of 180 and 169.  I'm still spotting a little, though, so still feeling anxious. 

In an effort to reassure me, the doctor said that things were progressing normally.  He said something to the effect of "normal pregnancies progress normally, and normal pregnancies are much more likely to continue to be normal than for something to go wrong."  Am I ever going to feel normal?  Is there going to be a day when suddenly I believe that this is a normal pregnancy?  I am beyond grateful to be pregnant, but am looking forward to the day when things feel a little more real.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

i'm it

Thanks to Kelly (a fellow southerner who is also pregnant) and Lulu (one of the first bloggers I started following) for tagging me in this fun little survey!  It's always fun to have a reason to write a different kind of entry, so here we go...

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

Here are my tags:
1) Alex at Alex's Adventures
2) tasivfer at Riding the IVF Roller Coaster
3) cgd at Adventures in Infertility-Land
4) Christa at I Can't Control Everything
(and all of my other fabulous followers...if you want to do the survey, please consider yourself tagged!)

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Our two precious dogs are definitely part of the family!  They may be smaller than the twins will be when they arrive, but they occupy a big part of our hearts...they even have monogrammed Christmas stockings.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?  These two babies are my dream...I just want them to be healthy and make it to the fall.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Pay off our mortgage, get a new mommy car, start a big college fund for the twins...and definitely spend a little on a fabulous spa day and shopping spree.  Oh, and I'm not completely shallow, so I would donate to my favorite charities, including the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? My husband, my puppies, and a bottle of red wine (when I'm not pregnant).

5. What is your bedtime routine?  Pretty simple...wash my face, brush my teeth, say goodnight to the dogs and babies, try to read a bit.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? We met in college.  Since this is anonymous, I can tell the real story, which is that we met at an initiation for a secret society (nothing crazy cool, but definitely an honor).

7. What kind of books do you read? Anything fiction.  Right now I'm re-reading East of Eden, but I'm just as likely to put up a little chick lit as classic literature.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I don't even want to guess, but hopefully with two 9 year olds.

9. What’s your fear? My biggest fear right now is that something will happen to these precious babies.  Some of my less rational fears include crickets and tornados.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? NEVER!

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Hit the snooze button!

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? Nothing...he is pretty perfect, but don't tell him that.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I'm not a huge fan of my name (it's very 80s), but I wouldn't want to change it at this point.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Sun!!!!  Who wrote this question?

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Pasta, pasta, pasta--I am pretty sure I was supposed to be Italian.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? All the wonderful bloggie friends I have met.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? I really can't pick...I love salty things, but have a terrible sweet tooth as well.

18. What items are in your purse right now? Wallet, a little make-up kit, planner, tape measurer (you wouldn't believe how many times I've used this), endometrin, prometrium, and a plethora of other items that I probably don't know I have.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? Beach!  I live close to the mountains, so the beach is more of a treat.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? I watch too much TV guilty pleasures are shows like Kendra and the Kardashians.

Monday, February 21, 2011

all is well

Another good report for Bit and Bitty today.  I am 7 weeks 6 days, and one was measuring right at 7 weeks 6 days, with the other at 7 weeks 5 days.  They doubled in size since last week--they are now measuring right around 2/3 of an inch.  Their heartrates were 165 bpm and 155 bpm.  Pretty much perfect for now!  So thankful!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

token meltdown

My RE does an ultrasound each week during the first trimester.  It's such a treat to see these babies grow each week, but I'm beginning to notice a not so great behavioral pattern.  Because I don't work on Mondays, I always schedule my appointment for Monday.  And, unfailingly, I have a bit of a breakdown on Sunday.

This weekend A and I went to visit a city to which we are considering moving.  On both Friday and Saturday, I had little to no nausea, which always makes me a bit nervous.  I managed to contain my breakdown until tdoay.  I began the day with a mini-box of cheerios, then after church had my second breakfast of a yummy, buttery biscuit.  As we were driving home, though, extreme hunger struck and I HAD to eat.  We spotted a Cracker Barrell and quickly ordered.  This is where the breakdown began.  I started crying at the table waiting for food because I was so hungry I was in pain.  I pulled it together and made it through lunch, but once we got back into the car the sobbing began.  I let out all my fears that these babies are not going to be okay...that we are going to go to an ultrasound one week and it's all going to be over...that this cannot be real...that this cannot end well.

I know I can't worry like this every day, or even every week, but it's so hard to believe that I might end up with two healthy babies.  Praying for a little more peace every day, and hoping for the same for each of  you as well.  

Friday, February 18, 2011

the things we do

While catching up on blogs today, I started thinking about the things we do in the name of fertility that we would never have previously imagined.  We give ourselves shots, we have sex (or don't have sex) on demand, we put medicine in places it should never go.  But beyond the medicinal, many of us also turn to "alternative" therapies.  From meditation to psychics, the pursuit of a child often pushes us beyond our normal boundaries.

So what's the craziest thing I have done for fertility?  There is a Ripley's Believe It or Not about an hour from my home, and last summer, they had two fertility statues touring their locations.  When the statues arrived at the location nearest us, I immediately began planning our visit.  Many Ripleys put the statues in the lobby so that they can be seen and touched for free, but our Ripley's placed them behind the ticketed entrance.  A and I paid $30 to pass through the turnstile and get our chance to lay hands on these allegedly mystical statues.

As you may recall from previous posts, I am a fairly devout Christian, so seeking the intervention of statues was not part of my normal routine.  Sure, both A and I viewed it as a bit of a joke, but I cannot deny that a part of me truly hoped those statues would help me out.

Unfortunately their assistance was lost on me, as I experienced three failed pregnancies after touching these guys.  For those who want to take their own shot at statue luck, though, I believe they are still touring. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

a very happy valentine's day

A has never been a huge fan of Valentine's Day, but I think I may have converted him today.  Our ultrasound showed two fetal poles and two easy to spot heartbeats!  I am officially 6 weeks, 6 days today, but one was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days with a heart rate of 131 beats per minute, and the other was at 6 weeks 5 days with a heart rate of 123 beats per minute.  The doctor said this was all perfectly within the normal range, and he was even able to show us the red and blue blood flow in each of the little hearts.  Precious!  We have decided that the verse in Genesis regarding God calling the animals two by two is our theme for this pregnancy, so after the ultrasound we celebrated by purchasing the most adorable little plush ark with several sets of animals (I had spotted it earlier but wanted to wait until we saw the heartbeats). 

I hope that you are all having a wonderful Valentine's Day and that you are able to spend it with someone you love, or at least doing something you love.  Happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Today CNN ran an article titled "Pick a Baby's Birthday: 11-11-11" about how people had actually called doctors asking when to have sex to have a baby on 11-11-11.  Yea, because that's how it works.  Have sex on one magical day and you are guaranteed to birth a baby a certain number of weeks later.  The headline alone was offensive...these types of articles are definitely part of the reason we are all so surprised when we have trouble bringing our little bundles of joy home.  It infuriates me that our society just assumes everyone is fertile.  Last night, for instance, I was at book club and someone commented that they were surprised a certain couple didn't have kids yet.  I quickly added a "you never know their situation" to the chat, the token RPL girl reminding everyone that it's not always so easy. 

In pregnancy news, I have my next ultrasound on Monday (6 weeks 5 days) and am praying to see two heartbeats.  I've been constantly queasy, and my boobs look like aliens, so I'm taking these as good signs. 

Monday, February 7, 2011


Today I heard the most beautiful sound--the sound of one of our little guy's hearts.  I had my weekly ultrasound today (5 weeks 6 days) and there were still two perfect gestational sacs and yolk sacs, definitely bigger and more defined than last Thursday.  The doctor was able to spot the little flicker of a heartbeat on one, and somehow was able to fix the machine so we could hear it.  Wow.  The other yolk sac is so close to the side of my uterus that he couldn't find the flicker, but he didn't seem worried at all, so I'm choosing not to worry as well.  After all, we are still shy of 6 weeks. 

Every week, every day really, I fall more in love with these two little beings starting their lives inside me.  I think that during the IVF process I was glamorizing the idea of twins, thinking about how cute they would be together and how they could be each other's best friend.  The reality of two babies is sinking in more now, and though I couldn't be more excited, I am also starting to remind myself that two babies will bring its own set of challenges.  First and foremost is the challenge of keeping them healthy during gestation.  After my ultrasound, the doctor got the "due date" wheel out and was showing me that even though my technical due date is October 4th, I will likely deliver in early September.  September is a long way away though, and we still have lots of challenges ahead of us, so for now I am counting each time I see these little ones looking healthy on the screen as a victory.  

Thursday, February 3, 2011

bit AND bitty make an appearance

Yesterday I became convinced that I wasn't pregnant anymore.  My boobs didn't hurt, I wasn't nauseated, I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't tired.  A called the clinic this morning and asked them if they would do a quick blood draw to make me feel better.  My veins are notoriously hard to stick, so when I arrived the nurse said, "Why don't we just do an ultrasound instead?"  Of course I agreed...I would never turn down an opportunity to see my little baby!

After looking around for a few seconds, the doctor pointed out the gestational sac, and could even point out the yolk sac today.  I was so relieved.  Then he moved the wand a bit and pointed out our SECOND gestational sac.  This one was a little harder to make out, but with a little maneuvering he was about to point out the yolk sac for that one as well!  That's right, Bit and Bitty are both still hanging in there!  I'm holding pictures of my two babies, and I could not be more ecstatic.  I feel like I've won the lottery, only this is much better.

One slightly concerning thing came up at the appointment.  I had fluid in my uterus.  The doctor said this wasn't exactly "normal" but it also wasn't too concerning for now.  Hopefully it will get reabsorbed and not cause any issues.  Anyone have any experience with this?

So there you have it, pregnant with twins at 5 weeks 2 days, and not a symptom in sight.  I guess that just proves the point that you should never read too much into symptoms, or lack thereof.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

new territory

Yesterday A and I officially moved into the realm of clinical pregnancy.  At our ultrasound at 4 weeks 6 days, we were able to see one perfect little gestational sac.  All of our pregnancies up to this point have technically been chemical since they couldn't be confirmed via ultrasound, although that's a word that neither we nor our RE use (since these pregnancies are just as real as any other pregnancy).  But we are now officially confirmed...there is something wonderful growing in my uterus.*  Also, for those who are following along, my hcg went from 1526 on Saturday to 3788 on Monday, so the bleeding on Friday does not appear to have been anything of concern. 

Today I am five weeks, and the further we get along the more I realize how deep my scars from our previous losses run.  I am constantly afraid that the baby is going to disappear.  I let myself eat pizza last night, and today felt so guilty that I forced myself to eat spinach for lunch.  I yearn for nausea and morning sickness just to know that I'm still pregnant.  I am terrified today, as I restarted my suppositories for the first time since the bleeding.  I know that the fate of this pregnancy is out of my control, but that's not an easy fact to accept.  I have never felt so utterly happy yet completely terrified at the same time, and it's a strange set of emotions to process.

*We saw one clearly defined gestational sac, and another spot that could potentially be a second sac.  I am pretty sure it's just one, though, since at that hcg level a second sac would have likely been more defined.  One perfect little guy!