tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5840189785291798112024-03-13T22:47:56.296-04:00still a guest room...our family's adventures in making a baby.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.comBlogger129125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-6291107504918481812013-02-14T20:22:00.001-05:002013-02-14T20:22:34.396-05:00it's realWe are so incredibly lucky and blessed beyond what we could imagine. We have seen this baby's heartbeat two times (at 6 weeks and 8 weeks), and everything is going as well as possible.<br />
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As we get closer to the point where we will tell our friends, I feel myself becoming more confused about how to approach this pregnancy. I never, ever want to disrespect the fertility treatment process. I also never want to play into the "just relax" and "you just need a miracle" misconceptions. We conceived on a non-medicated cycle directly following two months of suppression and drugs for a frozen cycle. Did the frozen cycle help? Maybe. Were we on fertility drugs? No. Were we trying to get pregnant? Absolutely. Were we relaxed? Absolutely not...in fact, I was probably more stressed than ever as we tried to figure out whether we could afford to do IVF again.<br />
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When telling our family, we told them that it was a mixture of the effects from the frozen cycle and a lot of luck. I think that's the story I'm sticking with. I just hope we get far enough to have this problem!Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-23762748199186685952013-01-26T10:05:00.001-05:002013-01-26T10:05:54.817-05:00sac!Due to my anxiety about another possible ectopic, my doctor agreed to do an ultrasound yesterday...and we saw a gestational sac and yolk sac! I am simply thrilled! My beta looked good again, but based on my betas and my ultrasound it looks like I'm about two days behind where my last period would put me. Next Friday will be the real test--the heartbeat ultrasound. Please pray that we see that beautiful little flutter.<br />
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We have decided to go ahead and tell our families. We would obviously tell them if we miscarry, and I think it will make it more real to me to share our excitement.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-91167581052864070832013-01-18T13:18:00.001-05:002013-01-18T13:18:56.712-05:00this could be realThird beta was 245, doubling again. I'm still really anxious but also starting to get super excited. None of our previous chemical pregnancies even got over an hcg of 100. <br />
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So now we wait. Another blood test in one week and an ultrasound in two!Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-71125647061759269562013-01-16T16:10:00.001-05:002013-01-16T16:10:26.965-05:00looking upSecond beta came in at 119, a little more than doubling in 44 hours! To say that I am excited is an understatement. This could really be it--the completion of our family!!!!Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-37954153843080742612013-01-14T15:02:00.001-05:002013-01-14T15:02:07.011-05:00ughFirst beta was only 52. I really want to think positively, but we have been down this "low initial beta" road too many times before. Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-44723801159082976482013-01-12T23:45:00.001-05:002013-01-12T23:45:52.778-05:00please be differentAfter our failed frozen cycle, I had a very heavy period. Then I seemed to ovulate a few days late. Then yesterday I started spotting, which is not how my periods usually begin. Things seemed off. So today, while bleeding, I took a test. And it was positive. I've had four positive tests today with very visible lines. I have, however, continued to bleed.<br />
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When I told my husband, he started smiling and I started crying. But they weren't happy tears- they were tears filled with fear and anxiety and nerves. I want this baby so very badly. But I am so very scared that this will end the same as our other three non-ivf pregnancies.<br />
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Praying that this time is different.<br />
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<br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-EeBKb1ZooaM/UPI7_3TSuAI/AAAAAAAAABQ/m4WMddDq_qs/s640/blogger-image--747135850.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-EeBKb1ZooaM/UPI7_3TSuAI/AAAAAAAAABQ/m4WMddDq_qs/s640/blogger-image--747135850.jpg" /></a></div>Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-48164333959778856142012-12-06T23:03:00.001-05:002012-12-06T23:03:18.092-05:00a heavy heartI was prepared for three possible outcomes: that our embryo didn't survive the thaw, that we transferred but did not get pregnant, or that (as hoped) this embryo became our third child. I could have never prepared myself for what happened this morning.<br />
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We arrived at the clinic two hours before the scheduled transfer for bloodwork and a massage (a nice perk at my clinic). We had been sitting in the waiting room for mere minutes when my phone vibrated. It was the office. Hmmmm. I answered, hoping this was just some reminder call, and heard, "This is x from the fertility center." My heart stopped. It was our embryologist. There are a few phone calls you never want to get....calls from the police, calls from hospitals...and calls from your embryologist on the morning of your frozen transfer. I explained that we were in the waiting room, so she said she would be right out. When I saw her, I whispered to her that this couldn't be good. She didn't dispute my assessment. I didn't even get through the door to the office before she embraced me as I sobbed.<br />
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Our embryo, our picture perfect better than the twins embryo, had apparently been damaged in the freezing process (which has since changed). Because of this damage, when it was thawed this morning 90% of it was arrested. Most all of it was already gone. But, of course, there was a smidge still hanging on. She didn't really know what to say. She said it was not viable, that it would almost certainly not result in a pregnancy. She explained that the little part still alive could be placental cells (which can't create a baby) or embrionic cells (which can't survive without a placenta). But she couldn't say that it was 100% dead. Nope. That little smidge meant that there was still a tiny bit of life. So it was up to us. We could transfer as planned. We could leave and allow the remainder to arrest. We could transfer and stop meds, allowing it to arrest inside its intended home. I asked what she would do, and she answered honestly--she wouldn't have it transferred. I asked what most people in this situation do, and she answered honestly--this almost never happens. It's usually all dead or much more alive.<br />
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After many tears and some quick soul searching, we asked to have labwork cancelled but have the embryo transferred as soon as possible so that we could begin what would be a very long 500+ miles home. If my child were dying, I would never leave it to die alone. And this embryo is my child. I couldn't stand the thought of it "arresting" all on its own. I wanted to bring it home the only way we could. So in the same room where I cried tears of joy as I watched my twins make their way into my uterus, I silently sobbed as I watched the child that I have loved and prayed for and dreamed of for two years make its way home, knowing that I would never meet it. <br />
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For now I am continuing my meds. I cannot yet make a decision that I know will end this more quickly. Maybe I will change my mind, but most likely I will take meds until about 8 days post transfer, confirm that there is no pregnancy with a home test, then call it a day. <br />
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My heart is so heavy. I had let myself imagine what it would be like...to get pregnant from this "secret" cycle that our friends and family didn't know about...to have kids that were two years apart like all the fertile moms...to not have to face difficult decisions about family building when we are drained of resources. But most of all, I had let myself fall in love. This embryo was created at the same time as my beloved twins, and I always considered it a little part of them. I longed to see them grow up together. I didn't just want another child....I wanted this child. This child who has held a part of my heart for two years.<br />
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The doctor and coordinator and embryologist were amazing. They could not have been more compassionate. They respected our decision and never once made us feel silly. They cried with us, mourned this loss. And they said some really nice things about me. The one I remember through my teary fog is that they called me brave. But I don't feel brave. Not at all. I feel helpless and broken.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-23441625698934785802012-12-03T14:13:00.000-05:002012-12-03T14:13:43.361-05:00trustWe're to the final countdown...transfer is in just 3 days! I am feeling lots of things--excited that it might work, anxious that it won't, nervous about how I will handle negative results, sad that it's our last and only embryo, sore from the progesterone shots. So I'm trying to wade through these emotions and focus on just one. Trust.<br />
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It's taken a while for me to get to this point, and I am still not perfectly there, but I am learning to trust again. To trust that God really does know the plans He has for me, and to trust that those plans are ultimately good. I don't really buy into the "everything happens for a reason" bit, but I do believe that God can take ugly circumstances and turn them into beauty. I do not believe that God "wanted" me to lose three babies. But I do believe that God took those miscarriages...the way they happened so quickly and so close together...and used those to bring us to IVF. IVF, the only way I would have ended up with my perfect twins, was the beautiful result of our difficult journey.<br />
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So now, as we reenter the trying to have a baby waters, I am trying to trust. I am trying to remind myself to look at my son and daughter and be reminded that God is good. That He has provided. That I can trust that despite the outcome, God loves me and will be enough for me and my family. But it's not easy. The most difficult part, I think, is knowing that trusting doesn't mean trusting that the transfer will work and that we will have another baby next fall. Trusting, instead, is not bound by the results. It is a choice that must be made, despite the circumstances. I pray that I can find the grace to trust over these next couple of weeks.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-74852910611962420132012-11-14T13:13:00.001-05:002012-11-14T13:13:58.355-05:00and we're offI started wearing my estrogen patches yesterday, marking the real start of this frozen cycle. People always talk about pregnancy amnesia...how you forget all the bad stuff so that you want to do it again. I think there is also infertility amnesia. I had forgotten how sensitive I was to all of this stuff, and just how quickly I would feel the effects. This morning I was already seeing stars in the shower, and I have been ravenous all day. It's all worth it when it works, though. That's what I tell myself. That's what I remember each time I look at my son and daughter. <br />
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I'm feeling super anxious. With our fresh IVF, I just always believed it would work. I just did. This time, I'm not feeling so positive. This is our only embryo, and my mind keeps telling me that we can't possibly be lucky enough to have 3 embryos equal 3 babies. I'm trying to kick those negative feelings to the curb. While guarding your heart can be useful, negative feelings definitely don't help the process. So I'm trying to let myself daydream about the possibility of this third child.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-69422767138921727802012-10-08T22:11:00.000-04:002012-10-08T22:11:34.808-04:00save the dateThe date has been chosen, the countdown has begun. We'll be transferring our single frozen embryo on December 6th. This process still amazes me. Even though we've been through IVF before, I am bewildered by the fact that I know that on a certain date almost two months away a tiny embryo created almost two years ago will be put inside me. I am even more bewildered by how much I already love that little one, and how dearly I hope it sticks around.<br />
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This is different. The biggest difference, of course, is that we have our twins. We have children. But it's also different because it may be our last go around. If this works, we will not do IVF again. If this doesn't work, we have big decisions to make. And that makes me nervous. I'm still feeling out where I stand. My heart is pulled in several directions...further IVF, adoption. And there is always the possibility of moving forward with the two precious children we have.<br />
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But for now I'm focusing on staying positive and praying I never have to make that decision. I'm working on the physical prep for the cycle--we just had our saline-infused ultrasound, I'm being disciplined about taking my vitamins, and I have wonderful intentions to cut caffeine soon. I'm also trying to prep mentally and emotionally. I've started counseling. When we lost the three babies before our first IVF, I never really stopped to process. I knew that if I stopped, I might not get started again. Now I'm trying to work through the sadness, loneliness, anger and grief still simmering. I want to be in the best place possible for my sweet twins and for this little embryo. Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-55225542794618900562012-08-30T22:58:00.000-04:002012-08-30T22:58:02.472-04:00peaceSo, the twins officially turned one last week. One. It's been a whole year since I nuzzled them inside, since I was the only one who felt their every kick and squirm. To be honest, in the days leading up to their birthday, I got nervous. Nervous that they were growing to fast, of course, but also nervous about the franticness I was beginning to feel. As their birthday loomed, my desire to have another biological child, to be pregnant again, started eating away at me. I could feel the obsession coming back. The compulsive behaviors, the thoughts from which I never seemed to get a break. I was afraid that once this huge milestone passed, these feelings would only get worse. <br />
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But then I did something I haven't done since the twins were tiny. I took a drive during nap time. I loaded my son and daughter in the backseat, and while they slept peacefully, I drove and listened to their lullabies. I drove through the beautiful sunshine; past cornfields and soybeans, sustenance growing from the ground; past windmills, energy being created before my eyes. And I found it. I found peace. I was finally able to say to myself that if we never have another biological child, that is okay. If I never feel a little one kick in my womb again, that is okay. <br />
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I feel selfish even writing this...I have a son and a daughter, how much more could I want? But a big family has always been the plan. And when infertility wreaked havoc on that plan, it was devastating. Further, I would love to have a more traditional birth experience. I still grieve the twins' birthday in the sense that I didn't get to hold them. In fact, I didn't even get to touch them in the delivery room. No kiss. No nuzzle. No physical contact. <br />
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So we will do a frozen cycle with our one remaining embryo. And we will fervently pray that he or she makes his way to us. But I am thankful to be moving towards a place where the alternative to a positive FET is somewhat less scary.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-50874217884793033132012-08-06T10:35:00.001-04:002012-08-06T10:35:48.304-04:00hope????Hope. It's a funny, persistent little thing. It's something with which that those of us who struggle to build a family often have a love/hate relationship. Yes, we must maintain hope that some day our prayers will be fulfilled and we will cradle our child in our arms. Without that hope, the waiting and treatments and pain and losses would be unbearable. Yet this same hope that powers us forward can make each setback that much more disappointing. When we hope, we allow ourselves to dream. And when those dreams don't come true, the shock can be devastating.<br />
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I stopped nursing the twins over 9 weeks ago. For two months I have not pumped, yet my body has failed to "restart." No pumping, but no period. Of course my initial reaction was fear--another reproductive issue. But my second reaction was irrational hope. Hope that somehow I was your cousin's mailman's sister's best friend who got pregnant on her own immediately after her IVF twins. I am not pregnant...I never really thought I could be. But I was still sad staring at that single line on the stick.* <br />
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Silly, silly hope. I sometimes loathe you. Yet I wouldn't get rid of you even if I could.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>*Please know that I am in no way comparing this sadness to those of you who get negative tests after trying for months or doing any treatments, of to the sadness of those who don't have any children yet.</i></span>Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-73428034441114281682012-07-30T13:39:00.002-04:002012-07-30T13:39:26.327-04:00wading inI've noticed that I'm a bit distracted lately...a bit on edge. Maybe it's just the move, but maybe it's more. Perhaps it is the fact that we are starting to dip our toes back into the "trying to have a baby" waters. The twins will be one in less than a month. We have one frozen embryo from our IVF cycle, and we are beginning to talk seriously about our FET. There are more logistics to figure out this time...our embryo is in our home state, while we are not. Monitoring, transfer, and follow up will be a bit more complicated. Which is why we are talking about it. We are making preparations now, hoping for a smooth FET sometime this winter.<br />
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Going back to the days of shots and tests and wonder and anxiety is not something I look forward to. Sure, it will be different this time. The stakes aren't quite as high. No matter what, we have our twins...we have two children already. We are parents. But still, I long for this child. Since the day bittiest was frozen, I have considered him my child. I think about and pray for him often. I bought him his own baby pumpkin at Halloween. I cannot wait for the day when we get to meet. I beg God that he will be strong like his brother and sister, and that he will survive and live and get to join us in this world. No matter what, though, he is part of our family. And I want to make every preparation possible to give him the best chance at life.<br />
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If any of you lovely ladies have advice on remote FETs, I would love to hear it.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-71033423330115305062012-07-05T09:29:00.001-04:002012-07-05T09:29:30.179-04:00our newest adventureAbout two months ago my husband was offered a fabulous job, the kind of job that would be great for his career. The not-so-fabulous part? The job was more than 6 hours from our home in a city and state where we literally knew no one. It was a hard decision, but after much consideration we decided to go for it. <br />
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For so many reasons, it felt like the right thing to do. I am not working right now, so my career wouldn't be affected. The twins are too young to even realize we are moving. My husband was excited about the new opportunity. And, while our old insurance covered 0% of infertility treatments, this new job came with a plan that covers 80%...seriously...80%. If we want to try to add to our family, we can actually somewhat afford it now.<br />
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So, last week we left our comfy little home, the place where we've been for 11 years, and ventured into the unknown. I know that eventually this place will become home. That we will find friends and community and favorite places. But right now I feel lonely. I miss my house, my routines, and knowing how to get to Target without breaking out the GPS. I know this will pass, but that doesn't make it less difficult, does it?<br />
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<br />Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-74456244260474847752012-06-11T09:36:00.001-04:002012-06-11T09:36:56.697-04:00packing away the pumpLike many things in life, my relationship with my breast pump has been love/hate. I love that it brought my milk in when my little preemies were too small to even consider nursing. I love that it gave me colostrum, then milk, to feed to my angels via tube in the NICU. I love that, when the babies refused to learn to nurse, it allowed me to continue giving them my milk for many months. But I hated pumping. <br />
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I cannot say I enjoyed anything about the actual act of pumping. Being tied to a machine multiple times a day was difficult. I so wanted to use the little down-time I had to nap, shower, or just be selfish. And it never felt natural. While I can see how nursing a baby would be a beautiful bonding experience, I never saw that beauty as I stared down at this strange looking machine. <br />
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After 9.5 months, I am packing the pump away. Although I feel a little guilty that I didn't go longer, I'm also incredibly proud of myself. In the early days, I would set a goal and write it on the whiteboard on our refrigerator. Many times these goals were only 10 or so days out...I didn't want to set myself up to fail, and I was unsure that I could make it even another week. I wanted to quit so badly at 2 months, and almost gave in at 4, but I held my secret ultimate goal of 6 months in my heart. With my husband's support, I made it to that 6 month mark, and then 3 plus more months. <br />
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Now, I can say with a bit of confidence that it's the right time to put the pump away. We have lots of frozen milk, so we're weaning the twins to an all formula diet slowly, and I am sure they will continue to thrive. So I will return my rented pump tomorrow, with both celebration and hesitation, thankful for the gift it gave my twins.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-42875250413027767992012-04-14T19:13:00.001-04:002012-04-15T09:18:42.645-04:00free formula, anyone?I hate to be wasteful, so I'm hoping you ladies can help me. When the twins were in the NICU, we were sent home with 29 two ounce bottles of Similac Neosure 22 calorie formula. This formula is typically only used for preemies, as it has two extra calories per ounce to help with growing, and term babies don't need extra calories. Does anyone out there need this or know of someone who does? I would love to ship this along to a family who could use a little free formula, but it's such a specific kind that I'm not sure I can find it a good home.<br />
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If you know of a family who could use it, please leave your email in a comment below. Thanks!!!<br />
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UPDATE: Formula has been spoken for. Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-15240008877967457912012-04-13T14:21:00.000-04:002012-04-13T14:21:35.896-04:00our little seven month olds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tBP0ouj_EgI/T4huKUhptCI/AAAAAAAAABA/srXufhZVtdU/s1600/DSC_0302.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="267" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tBP0ouj_EgI/T4huKUhptCI/AAAAAAAAABA/srXufhZVtdU/s400/DSC_0302.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Wow, has it really been almost four months since I posted anything here? Time seems to play tricks on you when you are attempting to parent two little ones. Sometimes the days seem to creep by, yet the weeks and months pass too quickly.<br />
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The twins are now 7 months old. Though they can be exhausting, they continue to be such a blessing to A and me. Each day, amid the diapers and bottles and craziness, there are moments when they both look at me and laugh, and I stop to remember how truly fortunate I am. <br />
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Baby boy is completely nuts! He is now army crawling...his belly stays on the floor, but he is super fast. We've already had to take the curtains down and are doing a major childproofing bonanza this weekend. Baby girl has no real interest in moving yet, but gets very annoyed with brother when he comes over and starts eating her toes/hands/head. They are both sitting on their own, they love toys, and they love bouncing in their jumperoos.<br />
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They are growing up and learning so much. At Christmas, they didn't even look at their presents. On Sunday, they actually sat and went through their Easter baskets, looking for new things to play with!<br />
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They never got the nursing thing at all, so I'm still pumping. We have been feeding them 2/3 breastmilk and 1/3 formula (plus two meals of solids per day), but we are running out of freezer space so lately we've decreased the formula to just 1/6. I must say, I am pretty proud of myself for pumping this long. I feel like my body did a lot of things wrong in this process, but this is something it got right. Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-70348591392695732272011-12-25T22:48:00.000-05:002011-12-25T22:48:02.087-05:00happy holidaysOver the last 48 hours, I have cried almost as much as I did last Christmas Eve/Christmas, though for very different reasons. I am completely overwhelmed by how blessed A and I are to have our son and daughter this year. Last year we were reeling from three losses in a row, while at the same time ramping up for IVF. Christmas was terribly difficult. Today, though, we got to experience the magic of a child's first Christmas. <br />
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As the tears of joy flow, I keep saying to A that we are so lucky, and that I cannot stop thinking about all of the women and couples who are not as lucky as us. The ones who are still trying, still waiting for their miracle. For all of you who haven't "found" your take home baby yet, I pray for peace during the holidays and for your greatest wish to come true. Merry Christmas.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-49163147880996490752011-12-13T16:49:00.000-05:002011-12-13T16:49:49.730-05:00waiting with a friendWe all know that waiting is the worst part of infertility. Whether you are waiting for results, for your next treatment, for money to be saved...waiting is hard. It is during the waiting when we often reach some of our darkest, loneliest points. <br />
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An old friend and I recently reconnected over infertility. Last month she had her first IUI, and about two weeks ago she got her BFP. Her numbers, though, have been lower than desired. She goes Friday for her fourth beta and an ultrasound. Until then, she is waiting with great hope, yet almost equal fear. She recently started a blog, and I would love it if some of you would leave her words of encouragement this week: <a href="http://betweenthepapersheets.blogspot.com/">http://betweenthepapersheets.blogspot.com/</a>. I know that your comments got me through many hard weeks, and I'm hoping they can do the same for her.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-27957208694508052682011-12-09T22:56:00.002-05:002011-12-09T22:56:30.192-05:00Happy December!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2xBPUV3OoLk/TuLYUhzecXI/AAAAAAAAAA4/fdRjTszgGt8/s1600/Santa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" mda="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2xBPUV3OoLk/TuLYUhzecXI/AAAAAAAAAA4/fdRjTszgGt8/s320/Santa.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-4480811494283361322011-12-09T22:54:00.000-05:002011-12-09T22:54:44.007-05:00body guiltAs I get further away from the twins' birth, I am realizing more and more how much infertility, pregnancy loss, and the circumstances surrounding their birth have affected my body image. Women today have plenty of reasons to be disappointed in our bodies. Those of us who have faced infertility and pregnancy loss, though, have an even more complicated relationship with ourselves.<br />
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In the past few weeks, immense guilt has been bubbling to the surface. It was my body's fault that we couldn't get pregnant without medical assistance. My body essentially killed the first three babies we conceived. Then, when we finally got our miracle babies, my body couldn't hold them long enough. They required three weeks of intensive care because of my body's failure. Even now, although my body is producing most of their nutrition, they will not actually nurse, which feels like a type of rejection. I know that I didn't conciously choose any of this, but that doesn't make it less true for me. <br />
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One of my goals post-twins was to get back to pre-inferility weight. And as of today, 15 weeks and 2 days after the twins' birth, I have made it. I have lost both my baby weight and my infertility treatment weight. I don't exactly look the same, but I am back in pre-infertility jeans. I even ran a 5 mile race on Thanksgiving. My body did exactly what I asked of it in a rather reasonable timeframe. But this isn't the goal that mattered. On the hierarchy of "things I would like my body to accomplish," this would come in dead last. This isn't even in the same realm as holding the twins in for one more week (or even a few more days), or of achieving and sustaining a pregnancy. Why, then, is this the thing my body seems able to do?<br />
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I don't have some neat way to tie this post up. I wish there were some magic formula for dealing with the guilt, but I know it's going to be something I work through for years to come. I am thankful, though, that I have this forum to come to when I just need to be honest, to say things that others may feel uncomfortable hearing.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-63099844199303726432011-12-02T17:43:00.000-05:002011-12-02T17:43:24.108-05:00an overdue updateIt's been far too long since I've updated this blog, and I'm hoping the twins will cooperate long enough for me to remedy this (or that their dad will get home soon). The me who existed a year ago would find my current life totally unrecognizable. I live in a different house, I wear a different bra size, and, most importantly, my days and nights are filled with the sights and sounds of my son and daughter. <br />
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Our babies are now 14 weeks old, and life is pretty crazy. To be honest, raising twins is quite difficult...but it's the best kind of difficult, the kind you wouldn't exchange for anything. I am staying at home with them, and I'm incredibly lucky to have this option. By the end of the day, though, my brain feels a little mushy. You can only talk to yourself with no one answering for so long before you begin to question your sanity. The little ones are starting to interact more, though, which is amazing. They are smiling (our boy smiles more and our girl is more serious, guarding her smiles more carefully), and our little boy can practically giggle. They are paying attention to some toys, mostly things that move or have lights. They started sitting in their bumbo chairs last week, and I think they are enjoying the change of scenery. We were doing well with tummy time (they rolled from belly to back at 4 weeks but have gotten progressively lazier), but they have had their first cold this week, so tummy time has taken a back seat to cuddle time.<br />
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When I'm evaluating something, I always try to name the best and worst part. First the worst....pumping. Because the babies were in the NICU for 3 weeks and the only way to get them home was to get them eating all their food via mouth via bottle, they got very attached to their bottles. I tried to reintroduce the breast many times, but they were simply not having it. So for two total hours every day I hook up to a pump, which I must say is pretty terrible. On top of that, there is the cleaning and prepping of pump parts and bottles. I'm currently producing between 50 and 60 ounces each day, which is about equal to how much they eat. For the first ten weeks, they got only breastmilk. In consultation with our doctor, though, we began doing one bottle of formula each day at 10 weeks. The idea is to make the transition from breastmilk to formula more gradual and to stretch out the breastmilk. I'm not sure how much longer the pumping will last, as I believe it may be making me crazy, but my goal is to get to at least 4 months.<br />
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The best part is without a doubt their sweet faces. Whether they are awake, asleep, smiling, crying, their faces are absolutely precious. I could literally gaze at them for hours! I feel so blessed to share each day with my two little miracles.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-86496872373784660942011-10-15T14:58:00.000-04:002011-10-15T14:58:35.663-04:00devastatingI have been terribly delinquent in blogging since our little ones were born, but I wanted to take a minute to ask you all to pass on words of support to a fellow blogger, <a href="http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/2011/10/20-weeks-all-gone.html">ADSchill</a>, who just lost her twins at 20 weeks. I have followed her for a long time, and feel so connected to her. She did IVF. Her little ones were a boy and a girl. I am heartbroken now that her story had this outcome. Please send her all the love and support you can muster, as I cannot imagine the pain she and her family are feeling now.Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-14932717070546721192011-09-18T12:09:00.000-04:002011-09-18T12:09:25.888-04:00home sweet homeThis past Wednesday, at exactly three weeks old and after 21 days in the NICU, our precious little ones came home. We are overjoyed to be settling into our new normal and introducing our twins to their world. They are doing great...while the NICU was incredibly difficult to deal with, it did get our babies on a schedule and teach them to sleep fairly well, so we are trying to see the positive in the experience. Interestingly, though, we cannot keep the house too quiet, as the babies are accustomed to a much louder environment. Thank you for all your kind words and well wishes after their birth. Here are a few pics of our little miracles: <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eMolLvsRAew/TnYWb1d-gMI/AAAAAAAAAAs/ab5THd5XOY4/s1600/DSC_0001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" rba="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eMolLvsRAew/TnYWb1d-gMI/AAAAAAAAAAs/ab5THd5XOY4/s320/DSC_0001.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Trr_75WuwWU/TnYWfe4H8kI/AAAAAAAAAAw/oz4jal-I7E8/s1600/DSC_0042.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rba="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Trr_75WuwWU/TnYWfe4H8kI/AAAAAAAAAAw/oz4jal-I7E8/s320/DSC_0042.JPG" width="214" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6Wd6jh5Tnq8/TnYWj5peI5I/AAAAAAAAAA0/PSbick_oEe4/s1600/DSC_0070.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rba="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6Wd6jh5Tnq8/TnYWj5peI5I/AAAAAAAAAA0/PSbick_oEe4/s320/DSC_0070.JPG" width="214" /></a></div>Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-584018978529179811.post-9293432577665778902011-08-28T18:47:00.000-04:002011-08-28T18:47:48.965-04:00our big news<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ysJUY3RaStc/TlrFYdcKpzI/AAAAAAAAAAk/l_3VYd9LjQ0/s1600/DSC_0051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" qaa="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ysJUY3RaStc/TlrFYdcKpzI/AAAAAAAAAAk/l_3VYd9LjQ0/s320/DSC_0051.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RvyVpUKbTd4/TlrFdlJkEsI/AAAAAAAAAAo/nwyZuZS6yLk/s1600/DSC_0053.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" qaa="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RvyVpUKbTd4/TlrFdlJkEsI/AAAAAAAAAAo/nwyZuZS6yLk/s320/DSC_0053.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>The twins are here! They were born last Wednesday morning at 3:21 a.m. via c-section. They were at 34 weeks and 1 day. Both are in the NICU, but they are both doing well for their gestational age. To fill you all in, here's how the labor/delivery went down... <br />
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I had an appointment last Friday, and there were no signs of labor on either the ultrasound or the cervical check--everyone thought we were still weeks away. I was uncomfortable over the weekend, but nothing very different from what I've been feeling for weeks now. On Sunday, I began worrying about baby girl, thinking she wasn't moving as much as normal. This feeling continued, so on Tuesday I called in and went for an ultrasound. Again, everything looked perfect. Tuesday night I had a board meeting, and towards the end of the meeting around 7:45 I had two really strong contractions. I didn't feel anything else, though, and thought nothing about it. In fact, on my way out of the meeting, I kept telling people to expect the babies in about two weeks. <br />
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A and I walked the dogs around 8:15, then we opened and began playing with our new video baby monitors. A had the light off in the nursery and was making faces into the monitor, and I was downstairs checking to see how well it worked. We were laughing, joking around, but when I started back up the stairs I only made it to the third one. Suddenly, my water broke, just like on a movie...it was shocking! I called up to A, "Honey, my water just broke," and he thought I was joking. When he looked over the railing and saw me standing in a puddle he realized this was the real deal, and he immediately began freaking out. Neither of us had packed, so we began throwing stuff together. I finally got A calmed down, we got enough together to get us through the day, and off we went. Luckily, my doctor was on call, so he met us at the hospital. <br />
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In triage they quickly confirmed that my water had broken, and the doctor said we'd be doing a c-section within the hour. I wasn't contracting yet, so I was still pretty calm. I was upset that the babies were coming earlier than expected, but I knew there was nothing we could do. Unfortunately two emergencies came in, pushing us back, and I began having strong contractions around 1:00 a.m. We were finally wheeled to the OR at 3:00, and at 3:21 a.m. on August 24th we heard the most beautiful sound--our two babies crying. I saw them very quickly in the OR, and A got to hold them each for about 30 seconds, then they were whisked to the nursery. A and our families got to watch them being evaluated and stabilized, but I was stuck in my room recovering. Finally, 6 hours later, my babies were wheeled in to meet me. It was bittersweet--they were the most precious things ever, but they were in isolettes and I couldn't hold them. <br />
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The babies headed to the NICU across the street, and I was taken to postpartum. A and the families got to go visit in the NICU, but again I had to wait. This was truly excruciating. I was hearing about my babies from everyone else, when I should have been the first to know them. Finally, around 3:00 p.m., I got to visit the NICU and touch our son and daughter. Since then, A and I have been visiting as much as possible and soaking up every second with our babies. <br />
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As of now, baby boy is on nasal oxygen. He is receiving my milk via tube to his stomach, and is digesting better and better. We really hope his breathing improves soon, as we need to get him more stable so we can start working towards other goals. A and I have both gotten to hold him (inside his pouch) a few times, and we cherish those special moments.<br />
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Baby girl is on a respirator and is on medication to close a valve that failed to close after birth. Once she is off the medicine, she will hopefully begin eating via tube. We have gotten to change her diaper, but have not yet gotten to hold her, which is breaking my heart. I am aching to have her in my arms! <br />
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Although it's terribly difficult to not have them here, we know they are in the best hands right now. We are incredibly thankful for all the wonderful doctors and nurses there. We will keep you all as updated as we have time to, and we beg you to continue to pray for the twins' health and development. Still A Guest Roomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704376303400886837noreply@blogger.com12