Monday, October 8, 2012

save the date

The date has been chosen, the countdown has begun.  We'll be transferring our single frozen embryo on December 6th.  This process still amazes me.  Even though we've been through IVF before, I am bewildered by the fact that I know that on a certain date almost two months away a tiny embryo created almost two years ago will be put inside me.  I am even more bewildered by how much I already love that little one, and how dearly I hope it sticks around.

This is different.  The biggest difference, of course, is that we have our twins.  We have children.  But it's also different because it may be our last go around.  If this works, we will not do IVF again.  If this doesn't work, we have big decisions to make.  And that makes me nervous.  I'm still feeling out where I stand.  My heart is pulled in several directions...further IVF, adoption.  And there is always the possibility of moving forward with the two precious children we have.

But for now I'm focusing on staying positive and praying I never have to make that decision.  I'm working on the physical prep for the cycle--we just had our saline-infused ultrasound, I'm being disciplined about taking my vitamins, and I have wonderful intentions to cut caffeine soon.  I'm also trying to prep mentally and emotionally.  I've started counseling.  When we lost the three babies before our first IVF, I never really stopped to process.  I knew that if I stopped, I might not get started again.  Now I'm trying to work through the sadness, loneliness, anger and grief still simmering.  I want to be in the best place possible for my sweet twins and for this little embryo.