Even when you think you are doing something completely innocuous, infertility and/or pregnancy loss sneaks up and bites you in the butt. These unpleasant stings typically come in the form of questions posed by the outside world.
While walking my two precious pups, I met an older neighbor on the road. She told me how much she loved Yorkies, how many Yorkies she has had, etc. Then, suddenly, she looked at me and boldly asked, "Do you have children?" "No, not yet," I was able to choke out. She then proceeded to inform me that I was smart to not have kids, that dogs are so much better. I quickly resumed my walk and ended the conversation.
I know that before we found ourselves here, I too asked insensitive questions. I am sure that I questioned people about when they wanted kids or how many kids they wanted. Now I cringe and pray that I never asked someone who was mired in infertility or who had just found out that a pregnancy was not to be. When I step back, I realize that the questioners I encounter mean no harm...they believe they are asking innocent questions, simply expressing interest in mine and A's life. The hard part, though, is answering the questions.
"Do you have kids?" I hate answering that question. No, I don't have children, but yes, I have carried three little lives for a short period of time.
"When are you guys going to have kids?" It seems a bit like over-sharing to say "as soon as my medical team can figure out a way to make it stick."
Sometimes I just want to be extremely honest, but I know that would make the questioner feel bad and wouldn't really solve any of my problems. So, for now, I continue to say that no, we don't have kids, and yes, we hope to have kids soon. Hopefully those answers will be changing for all of us soon!
since EVERYONE i know is pregnant i have been masochistically going to baby showers like it's my job - and each and every time i get the "so, when will this be you?" question. sigh.
ReplyDeletei always blame law school - or DH's job - or you know, whatever else i can blurt out. but it would really help me out if people would just lay off. and not act so disheartened when i don't jump up and down when yet another birth announcement hits my mailbox.
I never know what to say either. "Do you have any kids?" "No, but I want them so badly I could literally vomit with the ache some days, thanks for asking."
ReplyDeleteI think over-sharing depends on how persistent they are. If it's a one off question, then I can usually give an excuse. If they keep on about it then I wouldn't feel bad about biting their head off or over-sharing!
ReplyDeleteJust like sushigirl says, I have been known to say some honest to god truth, just to watch people get uncomfortable. Hey - if they're going to make me uncomfortable, why can't I?
ReplyDeleteSorry about this - doesn't that suck? Minding your own business, taking a walk, and then bam, infertility rises up out of nowhere!
I am always blunt. If someone is going to ask me something like that, I tell them the truth. When it comes to people I know and will see often, it saves heartache in the long run, because they will either quit asking or sympathize with you. My honesty actual found my THREE neighbors to have gone through the same thing as we are now, and they are great to talk to on the subject because they each had a different outcome. If they are strangers, I still have no problem telling them "no kids, but yes, we are having lots and lotsa sex." ;)
ReplyDeleteI've had two clients in the last month ask me if I was pregnant. I was more shocked than anything, and basically just gave the short answer of no. I don't think there is any ill intent, perhaps it was because I wasn't drinking wine at dinner, or maybe I've pudged up since they've last seen me (very likely). But I also believe that they didn't stop to think before asking such a delicate question what might be going on-because what I really wanted to say to them was "no, even though I'm on clomid and having blood draws and am frustrated and annoyed, and everyone around me is either getting pregnant, or talking about how I should relax or not try so hard".
ReplyDeleteGot this while getting my haircut yesterday.
ReplyDeleteMaybe its just because its been going on for so long and I'm a bitter infertile, but I just said "Nope, I can't have kids".
I no longer feel the need to cushion the feelings of those who ask this personal question. She was actually really nice about it.