Tuesday, February 1, 2011

new territory

Yesterday A and I officially moved into the realm of clinical pregnancy.  At our ultrasound at 4 weeks 6 days, we were able to see one perfect little gestational sac.  All of our pregnancies up to this point have technically been chemical since they couldn't be confirmed via ultrasound, although that's a word that neither we nor our RE use (since these pregnancies are just as real as any other pregnancy).  But we are now officially confirmed...there is something wonderful growing in my uterus.*  Also, for those who are following along, my hcg went from 1526 on Saturday to 3788 on Monday, so the bleeding on Friday does not appear to have been anything of concern. 

Today I am five weeks, and the further we get along the more I realize how deep my scars from our previous losses run.  I am constantly afraid that the baby is going to disappear.  I let myself eat pizza last night, and today felt so guilty that I forced myself to eat spinach for lunch.  I yearn for nausea and morning sickness just to know that I'm still pregnant.  I am terrified today, as I restarted my suppositories for the first time since the bleeding.  I know that the fate of this pregnancy is out of my control, but that's not an easy fact to accept.  I have never felt so utterly happy yet completely terrified at the same time, and it's a strange set of emotions to process.

*We saw one clearly defined gestational sac, and another spot that could potentially be a second sac.  I am pretty sure it's just one, though, since at that hcg level a second sac would have likely been more defined.  One perfect little guy!

16 comments:

  1. I am so happy for you!! That has to be so wonderful to see on the ultrasound!!!

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  2. I'm so happy for you! However, I empathize with the terror. I have never been pregnant but I do imagine I would be happy-but-worried for several months. I think this is the one for you, though! : )

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  3. Yay! The ultrasound must be an enormous relief. Hope you're putting your feet up.

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  4. That's great news! I know it must be stressful right now but do try and enjoy it as much as you can.

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  5. I'm so glad your visit to the doctor brought good news and some relief.

    It must be so difficult to have those conflicting emotions to deal with. I am really hopeful for you, but I also understand your worry. You've had too many false starts to be utterly confident.

    (((Hugs)))

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  6. I am so happy that you got to have an US and see your baby!!!

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  7. Amazing! I feel the same way, I check everytime I go to the bathroom and sometimes I appreciate the nausea.
    It is so amazing, but also the scariest thing.
    Congrats on the positive ultrasound!!!

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  8. Hooray for the gestational sac! I know it doesn't help, but feeling so utterly happy yet completely terrified at the same time is pretty normal for those of us who have had to deal with the brutal end of IF and loss. ((HUGS))

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  9. Just keep staring at those ultrasound pics and love, talk to and keep loving that lil one growing!! I can only imagine the fear you are having but try to let go of it and enjoy this time!!! you worked toooo hard for it...xox

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  10. Praying for your little one to stick around!

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  11. That is SO amazing! Congrats hon!

    http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

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  12. Congratulations on seeing the sac! This is wonderful news. And don't feel like you're alone in being terrified at the same time. I pretty much expect to see blood that would indicate a loss every time I go to the bathroom. It's hard when you've been through (multiple) losses before. It feels unfair that you can't naively enjoy being pregnant like those crazy fertile people. Hang in there and, even though I know it's hard, know that there's really nothing you can do to make it go one way or the other at this point. Thinking about you!

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  13. One perfect little one - how wonderful!!!

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  14. thank you for sharing all of this.
    it's inspiring because it gives me hope that i can have a healthy pregnancy too.
    sending lots of prayer to you.
    i love your blog. i gave you a blog award on my site. you should check it out. :)

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  15. Wow, so awesome! Big congrats! You're in my prayers.

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