Yesterday A and I officially moved into the realm of clinical pregnancy. At our ultrasound at 4 weeks 6 days, we were able to see one perfect little gestational sac. All of our pregnancies up to this point have technically been chemical since they couldn't be confirmed via ultrasound, although that's a word that neither we nor our RE use (since these pregnancies are just as real as any other pregnancy). But we are now officially confirmed...there is something wonderful growing in my uterus.* Also, for those who are following along, my hcg went from 1526 on Saturday to 3788 on Monday, so the bleeding on Friday does not appear to have been anything of concern.
Today I am five weeks, and the further we get along the more I realize how deep my scars from our previous losses run. I am constantly afraid that the baby is going to disappear. I let myself eat pizza last night, and today felt so guilty that I forced myself to eat spinach for lunch. I yearn for nausea and morning sickness just to know that I'm still pregnant. I am terrified today, as I restarted my suppositories for the first time since the bleeding. I know that the fate of this pregnancy is out of my control, but that's not an easy fact to accept. I have never felt so utterly happy yet completely terrified at the same time, and it's a strange set of emotions to process.
*We saw one clearly defined gestational sac, and another spot that could potentially be a second sac. I am pretty sure it's just one, though, since at that hcg level a second sac would have likely been more defined. One perfect little guy!