a rough night

While watching the oscars last night, I suddenly started spotting pink/light brown.  The doctor assured me that it was probably nothing, but I was terrified.  We went to the office at 9:00 this morning, and thankfully the twins looked great.  Both measuring at 8 weeks 5 days with heart rates of 180 and 169.  I'm still spotting a little, though, so still feeling anxious. 

In an effort to reassure me, the doctor said that things were progressing normally.  He said something to the effect of "normal pregnancies progress normally, and normal pregnancies are much more likely to continue to be normal than for something to go wrong."  Am I ever going to feel normal?  Is there going to be a day when suddenly I believe that this is a normal pregnancy?  I am beyond grateful to be pregnant, but am looking forward to the day when things feel a little more real.

all is well

Another good report for Bit and Bitty today.  I am 7 weeks 6 days, and one was measuring right at 7 weeks 6 days, with the other at 7 weeks 5 days.  They doubled in size since last week--they are now measuring right around 2/3 of an inch.  Their heartrates were 165 bpm and 155 bpm.  Pretty much perfect for now!  So thankful!

beautiful

Today I heard the most beautiful sound--the sound of one of our little guy's hearts.  I had my weekly ultrasound today (5 weeks 6 days) and there were still two perfect gestational sacs and yolk sacs, definitely bigger and more defined than last Thursday.  The doctor was able to spot the little flicker of a heartbeat on one, and somehow was able to fix the machine so we could hear it.  Wow.  The other yolk sac is so close to the side of my uterus that he couldn't find the flicker, but he didn't seem worried at all, so I'm choosing not to worry as well.  After all, we are still shy of 6 weeks. 

Every week, every day really, I fall more in love with these two little beings starting their lives inside me.  I think that during the IVF process I was glamorizing the idea of twins, thinking about how cute they would be together and how they could be each other's best friend.  The reality of two babies is sinking in more now, and though I couldn't be more excited, I am also starting to remind myself that two babies will bring its own set of challenges.  First and foremost is the challenge of keeping them healthy during gestation.  After my ultrasound, the doctor got the "due date" wheel out and was showing me that even though my technical due date is October 4th, I will likely deliver in early September.  September is a long way away though, and we still have lots of challenges ahead of us, so for now I am counting each time I see these little ones looking healthy on the screen as a victory.  

bit AND bitty make an appearance

Yesterday I became convinced that I wasn't pregnant anymore.  My boobs didn't hurt, I wasn't nauseated, I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't tired.  A called the clinic this morning and asked them if they would do a quick blood draw to make me feel better.  My veins are notoriously hard to stick, so when I arrived the nurse said, "Why don't we just do an ultrasound instead?"  Of course I agreed...I would never turn down an opportunity to see my little baby!

After looking around for a few seconds, the doctor pointed out the gestational sac, and could even point out the yolk sac today.  I was so relieved.  Then he moved the wand a bit and pointed out our SECOND gestational sac.  This one was a little harder to make out, but with a little maneuvering he was about to point out the yolk sac for that one as well!  That's right, Bit and Bitty are both still hanging in there!  I'm holding pictures of my two babies, and I could not be more ecstatic.  I feel like I've won the lottery, only this is much better.

One slightly concerning thing came up at the appointment.  I had fluid in my uterus.  The doctor said this wasn't exactly "normal" but it also wasn't too concerning for now.  Hopefully it will get reabsorbed and not cause any issues.  Anyone have any experience with this?

So there you have it, pregnant with twins at 5 weeks 2 days, and not a symptom in sight.  I guess that just proves the point that you should never read too much into symptoms, or lack thereof.

new territory

Yesterday A and I officially moved into the realm of clinical pregnancy.  At our ultrasound at 4 weeks 6 days, we were able to see one perfect little gestational sac.  All of our pregnancies up to this point have technically been chemical since they couldn't be confirmed via ultrasound, although that's a word that neither we nor our RE use (since these pregnancies are just as real as any other pregnancy).  But we are now officially confirmed...there is something wonderful growing in my uterus.*  Also, for those who are following along, my hcg went from 1526 on Saturday to 3788 on Monday, so the bleeding on Friday does not appear to have been anything of concern. 

Today I am five weeks, and the further we get along the more I realize how deep my scars from our previous losses run.  I am constantly afraid that the baby is going to disappear.  I let myself eat pizza last night, and today felt so guilty that I forced myself to eat spinach for lunch.  I yearn for nausea and morning sickness just to know that I'm still pregnant.  I am terrified today, as I restarted my suppositories for the first time since the bleeding.  I know that the fate of this pregnancy is out of my control, but that's not an easy fact to accept.  I have never felt so utterly happy yet completely terrified at the same time, and it's a strange set of emotions to process.

*We saw one clearly defined gestational sac, and another spot that could potentially be a second sac.  I am pretty sure it's just one, though, since at that hcg level a second sac would have likely been more defined.  One perfect little guy!

crisis averted...

At least for now, everything looks great.  My hcg went from 534 on Thursday to 1526 this morning!  Thank you so much for all your thoughtful comments yesterday...I read them all several times last night, then re-read them all while sitting in the waiting room this morning.  Since my main doctor's office is about 90 miles away and the nurse for the satellite office is out of town today, the doctor ordered the lab work at a local hospital for us.  He told us that we could go anytime between 6:00 a.m. and noon, so of course we arived around 6:30.  We are so grateful for this news and excited that the "tell the parents" plan is back on.

bliss

Today's beta came in at 534...which means a 1.7 day doubling time!  I cannot even begin to describe how excited and thankful I am.  I feel blessed beyond measure.  This is a completely different start than any of our other short-lived pregnancies, and it's the highest beta I've ever had.

As so many of you know, it's pretty impossible to keep an IVF pregnancy a secret from people who know you did IVF for very long.  I don't think we can keep the charade up with our parents much longer, so we have figured out a way to tell them both in person this weekend.  I am so excited to share good news....we have never actually made a pregnancy announcement, just "we lost a pregnancy" announcements.  If all goes well, this will be the first grandchild on A's side, and I know that both sets of parents are going to be beyond thrilled.

My goal over the next few days is to learn to let go and enjoy.  I don't know how this pregnancy will end (hopefully with labor and a beautiful little one in my arms), but for now I want to cherish each day I get to be a mommy.  This isn't easy for me, but I truly want to enjoy this pregnancy.  My sweet RE's office has agreed to do a quick ultrasound on Monday to see if we can see the gestational sac, which we should by then if things keep progressing on this track.  I think that seeing a little dark spot on the screen will be the final push I need to realize that this is really happening.   

best phone call ever

I just got the call, and my beta hCG is at 238!!!!!  My highest first hCG ever was only 40, so this is pretty much incredible.  I can't stop crying (which is a little weird since I'm at work).  When I called A to tell him through my tears, I said I felt the same euphoria as when we got engaged.  Precious A said, "I think I'm even happier...is that bad?"  We decided it's not bad at all, espcially since we never failed at getting engaged.

I go back on Thursday to see if things are doubling.  I am so in love with this precious baby...now all I can do is give him the things he needs to keep growing.

Freak Out Mode

I just got a call from my nurse and she told me that after a discussion about my case, the doctor has decided that 1) I should go ahead and take progesterone supplements and 2) he wants to do an ultrasound next Thursday to look for anything that might be out of place.  I am thankful that he is being so proactive, but now I am totally freaking out.  When I hung up the phone, I started to cry (in my office which is not good).  I wonder what it would feel like to be one of those women who sees two lines on a stick and then blissfully waits for her first appointment in a few weeks, just knowing she will be holding her baby in 8ish months?

That girl.

I didn't want to be that girl...the girl who starts a blog and then announces to the world that she's pregnant one month later.  Of course I want to be pregnant more than anything, but conceiving again feels somewhat disrepectful to all the couples who have been trying for years.  Yet here I am.  After testing on Sunday and seeing nothing (10 dpo, 11 days post trigger shot), I saw a very faint line yesterday.  It was so faint that I was pretty sure I was making it up.  This morning, however, the line was clear.  It was still faint, but it was definitely there.

I called my RE's office and am going in for my first beta hCG tomorrow (one day earlier than scheduled, thank goodness).  While I know I should be excited that we conceived on our first IUI, I am honestly scared out of my mind.  We have now conceived three cycles in a row, with the first being ectopic and the second going down to 8 on my second beta hCG.  I have no reason to believe this one will be any different, and unlike the last two times, I am running empty on hope.  My fears are multiplied by the great importance that has been placed on the success of this pregnancy.  During one of our last meetings with our RE, he told us that if another pregnancy tuckers out quickly then his diagnosis would be that my tubes don't work and that we should proceed directly to IVF.  

I am so afraid that we will have the same result as last time, and I just don't have the stamina to go through that again, especially so soon.  I keep looking for signs that this one is different, but have failed to find any so far.  Until tomorrow, I am counting down the hours and trying to stay as positive as possible.  This blog has been so wonderful for me, and your comments mean so much...please don't abandon me because of this faint second line, as we still have a long way to go!