worst fears confirmed

We got our hCG results back, and my fears were confirmed...this pregnancy is, once again, not viable.  We are broken, confused, angry, devastated.  For some reason I thought that each loss might get easier, but it doesn't.  Each baby we lose is uniquely loved and will be uniquely missed.  My heart is punctured with three holes now, and none hurt less than the others.  I truly don't understand why God allows us to continue to conceive when every conception results in heartbreak.

I am so afraid to think about where we go from here.  We are meeting with our doctor Thursday to discuss genetic testing and anything else we can do to look for a reason. 

Thank you all for sitting with me and encouraging me this weekend.  I treasure your comments and am thankful for all of your support.

Ambiguous Results

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep...I just feel like this baby isn't going to make it.  I hope this feeling is due to lingering anxiety and is completely unfounded. 

I just got my results from my second blood draw, and my hCG is now 64.69....this is a 62% increase.  I am so sad that it didn't double.  I was really hoping for clear results, and this feels like we are still stuck in no man's land.  I am going back Monday afternoon and am hoping for something more definitive.  Please grow, little one!

Results for Draw One

When I went to get my blood draw yesterday (13 dpo), I asked the nurse what number we were looking for.  She said that at this stage they would like to see at least 40.  And where was I?  40.56.  It feels a little low to me, but I am so thankful for this number and am anxiously awaiting tomorrow's results.  Almost more importantly to me, my progesterone was at 15.3, so they aren't even putting me on supplements.  With the ectopic, it was only 1.7 on our first draw, so this feels like a good sign.  I still don't feel pregnant at all, and my fear is making the hours drag by, but I am thankful for each moment with little D (we nicknamed the first one B, so the second was C and we are now to D).  I just pray that D is tucked safely away where he can grow and thrive and that one day I will get to meet him.