This weekend was my annual girls' weekend with my college friends. It's always so wonderful to spend time with these girls, but this weekend brought on some unexpected feelings.
The first day we talked about the twins quite a bit. We talked about them like they were real, like they would definitely going to be arriving this fall. This was the most I had let myself go into that reality. It felt wonderful to talk about them without reserve, to imagine what next year's weekend would be like with my two little ones in tow. That night, however, I had a terrible nightmare. There were two precious babies sitting by a white pillow, and one kept turning blue. The baby was revived several times, then finally died in my arms.
The next day I felt anxious all day. I didn't want to act totally crazy, but it was hard not to. By evening, it was all too much...I had a breakdown while showering which continued for a bit. Luckily I had my own room and was able to spend some quiet time getting my thoughts in order. A was nearby and I almost had him pick me up, but I powered through and spent another night in bed alone...and had another terrible dream, this one about my dogs. I was supposed to spend one more night with the girls and have A pick me up the following morning, but I needed my husband. I didn't just want him, I needed him. He picked me up late that afternoon and we went to dinner, walked on the beach, and spent some nice quality time together. That night I slept beside him and thankfully had no nightmares.
I feel like I am becoming one of those girls who is far too dependant on her husband. The thing is, he is the only one who really understands that this pregnancy has brought pure joy and unbelievable anxiety into our lives. He is the only one who has been there every step of the way, through every triumph and every heartbreak. I don't want to be a clingy homebody, but I also don't like being away from him too long. Hopefully this will get better with time, but for now I am just thankful that I have such an amazing husband to lean on.