This weekend was my annual girls' weekend with my college friends. It's always so wonderful to spend time with these girls, but this weekend brought on some unexpected feelings.
The first day we talked about the twins quite a bit. We talked about them like they were real, like they would definitely going to be arriving this fall. This was the most I had let myself go into that reality. It felt wonderful to talk about them without reserve, to imagine what next year's weekend would be like with my two little ones in tow. That night, however, I had a terrible nightmare. There were two precious babies sitting by a white pillow, and one kept turning blue. The baby was revived several times, then finally died in my arms.
The next day I felt anxious all day. I didn't want to act totally crazy, but it was hard not to. By evening, it was all too much...I had a breakdown while showering which continued for a bit. Luckily I had my own room and was able to spend some quiet time getting my thoughts in order. A was nearby and I almost had him pick me up, but I powered through and spent another night in bed alone...and had another terrible dream, this one about my dogs. I was supposed to spend one more night with the girls and have A pick me up the following morning, but I needed my husband. I didn't just want him, I needed him. He picked me up late that afternoon and we went to dinner, walked on the beach, and spent some nice quality time together. That night I slept beside him and thankfully had no nightmares.
I feel like I am becoming one of those girls who is far too dependant on her husband. The thing is, he is the only one who really understands that this pregnancy has brought pure joy and unbelievable anxiety into our lives. He is the only one who has been there every step of the way, through every triumph and every heartbreak. I don't want to be a clingy homebody, but I also don't like being away from him too long. Hopefully this will get better with time, but for now I am just thankful that I have such an amazing husband to lean on.
I think it's normal to feel dependant on the one person who has been through all of this with you. I feel the same way with my husband. Most days I just want to be home with him relaxing. I hope you are feeling better today :)
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right - he is the only one that can truly and fully understand exactly where you are at, what you are feeling, and everything that surrounds this pregnancy. If your friends are as supportive and understanding as they should be, they will think nothing of it, but will instead know that being with him was the right thing to do to set your mind at ease.
ReplyDeleteI do hope that you're given more assurance in the coming days. How exciting to have twins on the way!!! I can understand how the nerves and the fear may enter in, but I hope you're able to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible!
I believe this is all normal. We aren't expecting and I am the same way, so after having had one of those unnerving dreams, I would have needed C too. don't beat yourself up over it and just know that it is understandable.
ReplyDeleteI hope the farther you get, the easier this is and the less you will worry. I do think that motherly worrying is going to be there forever though :)
Oh I'm so sorry you had such a terrifying dream! Of course you needed your husband after that! And don't feel bad about feeling dependent on him. You two are a team! That's what he's there for! I hope the anxiety goes away soon!
ReplyDeleteYou have been through so much to get here and your hubby was with you the entire way. It's totally normal to need him when you are worried!
ReplyDeleteWhat awful nightmares. So sorry about that.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your need for your husband, whenever I need comforting, he is the only one that can do it. He doesn't really even need to do anything, just be there.
I think that for the most part, that is a great thing, I would rather be too attached than not attached enough.
And let's be honest, you are super emotional right now, you can't help it, of course you needed him!
I hope you have no more nightmares!