a friend's heartbreak

There is a moment when you realize that you and your best friend won't be pregnant together...your babies won't be four weeks apart.  There is deep grief when you get that terrible phone call.  There is also a slight sense of relief when you realize you aren't the one with bad news this time. 

On Friday, one of my dearest friends was supposed to have her first ultrasound.  She should have been 8 weeks pregnant, and being just over four weeks ahead of her, I knew that she should easily see a little blob baby and a heartbeat.  She got pregnant within four months and has never had a loss, so I honestly wasn't worried for her...I was excited.  She called around noon and managed to squeak out, "It didn't go well."  My heart sank immediately.  Apparently there was a perfect gestational sac, but that was it.  No yolk sac, no fetal pole. 

I'm a little disheartened by the advice she received from her doctor.  They told her maybe she had counted wrong, she was still early, and that they would check her blood on Saturday and Monday.  Three weeks ago, though, she had a beta of just over 1,000.  I hope they aren't giving her false hope.  I pray that I am wrong, that I'm being overly cynical because of my own experiences, but it doesn't look good.

My heart is just breaking for her.  I always thought it would be nice to be "normal," to call and tell the doctor you're pregnant and be told to come in at 8 weeks for your first ultrasound.  Maybe normal isn't always good, though.  For my friend, she has lived the last 3 weeks in ignorant bliss, thinking her baby was growing away inside.  Maybe it would have been easier if she could have found out sooner.  Not that anything could make a situation like this easy..... 

not so fast...

I stopped my meds on Friday night, and smug little me thought that this morning would be the last visit to the fertility center.  While the babies looked great, my body can't be bothered to do its job.  At 12 weeks (11 weeks 6 days actually), my natural progesterone was only at 16.  I know that 16 is above the requisite 15, but it is far too close to the line, and too far below average, for me.  I should have known this wouldn't go smoothly!  So for now it's back to a modified version of my meds...one prometrium orally and one vaginally each night.  I go back in two weeks to get tested after another two day hiatus.  Guess I need to dig the panty liners back out...

another good report

At 11 weeks, 2 days, we had our next to last appointment with my RE.  Everything looked great, and on Monday we see him for the last time.  I am unbelievably excited to be this point, but I will miss the staff at this office so much.  Their kindness and compassion has been immeasurable.

I also get to stop my meds on Saturday...I actually take my last dose tomorrow night.  I have been itching to get off this endometrin, but now that the time has come it feels a little weird.  Taking these meds is the one thing I do everyday to help the babies.  Now I'm becoming normal........huh.

believing

This weekend was my annual girls' weekend with my college friends.  It's always so wonderful to spend time with these girls, but this weekend brought on some unexpected feelings. 

The first day we talked about the twins quite a bit.  We talked about them like they were real, like they would definitely going to be arriving this fall.  This was the most I had let myself go into that reality.  It felt wonderful to talk about them without reserve, to imagine what next year's weekend would be like with my two little ones in tow.  That night, however, I had a terrible nightmare.  There were two precious babies sitting by a white pillow, and one kept turning blue.  The baby was revived several times, then finally died in my arms. 

The next day I felt anxious all day.  I didn't want to act totally crazy, but it was hard not to.  By evening, it was all too much...I had a breakdown while showering which continued for a bit.  Luckily I had my own room and was able to spend some quiet time getting my thoughts in order.  A was nearby and I almost had him pick me up, but I powered through and spent another night in bed alone...and had another terrible dream, this one about my dogs.  I was supposed to spend one more night with the girls and have A pick me up the following morning, but I needed my husband.  I didn't just want him, I needed him.  He picked me up late that afternoon and we went to dinner, walked on the beach, and spent some nice quality time together.  That night I slept beside him and thankfully had no nightmares.

I feel like I am becoming one of those girls who is far too dependant on her husband.  The thing is, he is the only one who really understands that this pregnancy has brought pure joy and unbelievable anxiety into our lives.  He is the only one who has been there every step of the way, through every triumph and every heartbreak.  I don't want to be a clingy homebody, but I also don't like being away from him too long.  Hopefully this will get better with time, but for now I am just thankful that I have such an amazing husband to lean on.

9 weeks 6 days

Both babies looked great today at the ultrasound.  One is measuing 10 weeks, and the other is at 9 weeks 4 days.  The heart rates are 187 and 169.  The first one we looked at was twitching and waving his arms, then the second one did a whole little dance for us.  Adorable!  While looking at one set of legs, we definitely saw what looked like "boy parts" according to the nurse...we'll see if that continues.

telling the fam

Both of our mothers kept asking when they could tell extended family, and we pushed them off as long as possible.  We had told several friends, though, and started to get nervous that word would accidentally slip out and we would hurt someone's feelings.  So on Friday, we gave the go-ahead to tell family.  It's weird...it's been so wonderful to receive so many warm messages, but it also brings on a new sense of anxiety.  I can't help but think of all the people we will have to un-tell if things don't end the way we want.  For now, though, I am grateful for their support and prayers...and I'm also grateful that no one has really inquired about the twins thing.

Which brings me to my next point....pregnancy loss and IVF is a huge part of our journey, and it feels wrong not to share the entire story.  I truly believe that the more honest we all are, the less of a stigma infertility will carry.  We started a blog for our real life friends (they don't know about this one), and I feel compelled to tell our whole story there.*  I know this may ruffle some feathers, so I am trying to weigh the cost/benefit and make sure I am doing it for the right reasons.  Maybe I will tell the story without too many details?  Any thoughts on this?

While telling the fam, we did run into one rocky bit.  I sent my mom an email saying we had decided it was okay to tell family.  Later that night, I got an email from an old high school friend saying my mom had just called her to tell her the good news.  What the hell?!?!?  We aren't even out of the first trimester, and she is calling random people with our news!  This girl is clearly not part of the family! 
* As this pregnancy progresses, I will likely be posting less and less on this blog (though I will definitely keep following all of you).  If you want the link to my real life blog, email me at stillaguestroom@gmail.com.  Just promise not to somehow give away this blog's identity!