Hope. It's a funny, persistent little thing. It's something with which that those of us who struggle to build a family often have a love/hate relationship. Yes, we must maintain hope that some day our prayers will be fulfilled and we will cradle our child in our arms. Without that hope, the waiting and treatments and pain and losses would be unbearable. Yet this same hope that powers us forward can make each setback that much more disappointing. When we hope, we allow ourselves to dream. And when those dreams don't come true, the shock can be devastating.
I stopped nursing the twins over 9 weeks ago. For two months I have not pumped, yet my body has failed to "restart." No pumping, but no period. Of course my initial reaction was fear--another reproductive issue. But my second reaction was irrational hope. Hope that somehow I was your cousin's mailman's sister's best friend who got pregnant on her own immediately after her IVF twins. I am not pregnant...I never really thought I could be. But I was still sad staring at that single line on the stick.*
Silly, silly hope. I sometimes loathe you. Yet I wouldn't get rid of you even if I could.
*Please know that I am in no way comparing this sadness to those of you who get negative tests after trying for months or doing any treatments, of to the sadness of those who don't have any children yet.