Thursday, August 30, 2012


So, the twins officially turned one last week.  One.  It's been a whole year since I nuzzled them inside, since I was the only one who felt their every kick and squirm.  To be honest, in the days leading up to their birthday, I got nervous.  Nervous that they were growing to fast, of course, but also nervous about the franticness I was beginning to feel.  As their birthday loomed, my desire to have another biological child, to be pregnant again, started eating away at me.  I could feel the obsession coming back.  The compulsive behaviors, the thoughts from which I never seemed to get a break.  I was afraid that once this huge milestone passed, these feelings would only get worse.

But then I did something I haven't done since the twins were tiny. I took a drive during nap time.  I loaded my son and daughter in the backseat, and while they slept peacefully, I drove and listened to their lullabies.  I drove through the beautiful sunshine; past cornfields and soybeans, sustenance growing from the ground; past windmills, energy being created before my eyes.  And I found it.  I found peace.  I was finally able to say to myself that if we never have another biological child, that is okay.  If I never feel a little one kick in my womb again, that is okay.

I feel selfish even writing this...I have a son and a daughter, how much more could I want?  But a big family has always been the plan.  And when infertility wreaked havoc on that plan, it was devastating.  Further, I would love to have a more traditional birth experience.  I still grieve the twins' birthday in the sense that I didn't get to hold them.  In fact, I didn't even get to touch them in the delivery room.  No kiss.  No nuzzle.  No physical contact.

So we will do a frozen cycle with our one remaining embryo.  And we will fervently pray that he or she makes his way to us.  But I am thankful to be moving towards a place where the alternative to a positive FET is somewhat less scary.


  1. I have these same thoughts. My twin boys are 6 months and I already want more. This isn't an option for us because I have no remaining embryos and we are not willing to go back into debt to pursue more children. I feel robbed by infertility and I wish I could have a child the natural way. What I have learned to focus on though is my two perfect, beautiful boys that I love with all of my heart.
    Good luck with your FET!

  2. I hear you friend. As you probably know, I am feeling the same way...wanting another at some point, but not thinking it will happen. At least you have this one shot to expand. That is a blessing. I wish you luck!

  3. You're not selfish. Everyone has dreams of how their family will look, and it would be hard to come to terms with them not coming true. I hope your last embryo becomes baby #3.

  4. Beautiful post about finding peace. I'm so happy you found some during a wonderful drive. Thinking of you as you make plans for the FET.