"Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
I have always loved the Psalms. David's honesty in his conversations with God is awe-inspiring. He is not afraid to show anger and frustration, yet he constantly acknowledges God's sovereignty and goodness.
Our journey with infertility and pregnancy loss tests my faith daily. Never before have I felt so shaken, so alone. While I once firmly believed that the trials we experienced would serve some purpose, that there was some plan for our lives, I now find myself saying aloud that sometimes things just happen and nothing good is meant to come from them. I still believe in God, but I find it difficult to sing of His goodness and love after the loss of our two precious pregnancies. I believe that some of my disillusionment stems from the reverence with which I was taught to address God. While growing up, I was never told that it's okay to yell and scream and be angry with Him. Instead, I was taught to pray by saying how wonderful He was and how thankful I was for everything in my life.
So, I am now giving myself permission to tell God exactly how I feel...to tell Him how much this sucks, and how it is not fair that A and I cannot have a baby because we are good people who would love a child so deeply. I plan to tell Him just how angry I am that I never got the chance to meet the two little ones that A and I conceived, and that I cannot believe He would allow so many couples to go through this terrible battle. Any good relationship requires honesty, so I think it's worth a try.
