trust

We're to the final countdown...transfer is in just 3 days!  I am feeling lots of things--excited that it might work, anxious that it won't, nervous about how I will handle negative results, sad that it's our last and only embryo, sore from the progesterone shots.  So I'm trying to wade through these emotions and focus on just one.  Trust.

It's taken a while for me to get to this point, and I am still not perfectly there, but I am learning to trust again.  To trust that God really does know the plans He has for me, and to trust that those plans are ultimately good.  I don't really buy into the "everything happens for a reason" bit, but I do believe that God can take ugly circumstances and turn them into beauty.  I do not believe that God "wanted" me to lose three babies.  But I do believe that God took those miscarriages...the way they happened so quickly and so close together...and used those to bring us to IVF.  IVF, the only way I would have ended up with my perfect twins, was the beautiful result of our difficult journey.

So now, as we reenter the trying to have a baby waters, I am trying to trust.  I am trying to remind myself to look at my son and daughter and be reminded that God is good.  That He has provided.  That I can trust that despite the outcome, God loves me and will be enough for me and my family.  But it's not easy.  The most difficult part, I think, is knowing that trusting doesn't mean trusting that the transfer will work and that we will have another baby next fall.  Trusting, instead, is not bound by the results.  It is a choice that must be made, despite the circumstances.  I pray that I can find the grace to trust over these next couple of weeks.