body guilt

As I get further away from the twins' birth, I am realizing more and more how much infertility, pregnancy loss, and the circumstances surrounding their birth have affected my body image.  Women today have plenty of reasons to be disappointed in our bodies.  Those of us who have faced infertility and pregnancy loss, though, have an even more complicated relationship with ourselves.

In the past few weeks, immense guilt has been bubbling to the surface.  It was my body's fault that we couldn't get pregnant without medical assistance.  My body essentially killed the first three babies we conceived.  Then, when we finally got our miracle babies, my body couldn't hold them long enough.  They required three weeks of intensive care because of my body's failure.  Even now, although my body is producing most of their nutrition, they will not actually nurse, which feels like a type of rejection.  I know that I didn't conciously choose any of this, but that doesn't make it less true for me. 

One of my goals post-twins was to get back to pre-inferility weight.  And as of today, 15 weeks and 2 days after the twins' birth, I have made it.  I have lost both my baby weight and my infertility treatment weight.  I don't exactly look the same, but I am back in pre-infertility jeans.  I even ran a 5 mile race on Thanksgiving.  My body did exactly what I asked of it in a rather reasonable timeframe.  But this isn't the goal that mattered.  On the hierarchy of "things I would like my body to accomplish," this would come in dead last.  This isn't even in the same realm as holding the twins in for one more week (or even a few more days), or of achieving and sustaining a pregnancy.  Why, then, is this the thing my body seems able to do?

I don't have some neat way to tie this post up.  I wish there were some magic formula for dealing with the guilt, but I know it's going to be something I work through for years to come.  I am thankful, though, that I have this forum to come to when I just need to be honest, to say things that others may feel uncomfortable hearing.

an overdue update

It's been far too long since I've updated this blog, and I'm hoping the twins will cooperate long enough for me to remedy this (or that their dad will get home soon). The me who existed a year ago would find my current life totally unrecognizable.  I live in a different house, I wear a different bra size, and, most importantly, my days and nights are filled with the sights and sounds of my son and daughter. 

Our babies are now 14 weeks old, and life is pretty crazy.  To be honest, raising twins is quite difficult...but it's the best kind of difficult, the kind you wouldn't exchange for anything.  I am staying at home with them, and I'm incredibly lucky to have this option.  By the end of the day, though, my brain feels a little mushy.  You can only talk to yourself with no one answering for so long before you begin to question your sanity.  The little ones are starting to interact more, though, which is amazing.  They are smiling (our boy smiles more and our girl is more serious, guarding her smiles more carefully), and our little boy can practically giggle.  They are paying attention to some toys, mostly things that move or have lights.  They started sitting in their bumbo chairs last week, and I think they are enjoying the change of scenery.  We were doing well with tummy time (they rolled from belly to back at 4 weeks but have gotten progressively lazier), but they have had their first cold this week, so tummy time has taken a back seat to cuddle time.

When I'm evaluating something, I always try to name the best and worst part.  First the worst....pumping.  Because the babies were in the NICU for 3 weeks and the only way to get them home was to get them eating all their food via mouth via bottle, they got very attached to their bottles.  I tried to reintroduce the breast many times, but they were simply not having it.  So for two total hours every day I hook up to a pump, which I must say is pretty terrible.  On top of that, there is the cleaning and prepping of pump parts and bottles.  I'm currently producing between 50 and 60 ounces each day, which is about equal to how much they eat.  For the first ten weeks, they got only breastmilk.  In consultation with our doctor, though, we began doing one bottle of formula each day at 10 weeks.  The idea is to make the transition from breastmilk to formula more gradual and to stretch out the breastmilk.  I'm not sure how much longer the pumping will last, as I believe it may be making me crazy, but my goal is to get to at least 4 months.

The best part is without a doubt their sweet faces.  Whether they are awake, asleep, smiling, crying, their faces are absolutely precious.  I could literally gaze at them for hours!  I feel so blessed to share each day with my two little miracles.

devastating

I have been terribly delinquent in blogging since our little ones were born, but I wanted to take a minute to ask you all to pass on words of support to a fellow blogger, ADSchill, who just lost her twins at 20 weeks.  I have followed her for a long time, and feel so connected to her.  She did IVF.  Her little ones were a boy and a girl.  I am heartbroken now that her story had this outcome.  Please send her all the love and support you can muster, as I cannot imagine the pain she and her family are feeling now.

home sweet home

This past Wednesday, at exactly three weeks old and after 21 days in the NICU, our precious little ones came home.  We are overjoyed to be settling into our new normal and introducing our twins to their world.  They are doing great...while the NICU was incredibly difficult to deal with, it did get our babies on a schedule and teach them to sleep fairly well, so we are trying to see the positive in the experience.  Interestingly, though, we cannot keep the house too quiet, as the babies are accustomed to a much louder environment.  Thank you for all your kind words and well wishes after their birth.  Here are a few pics of our little miracles:

our big news

The twins are here!  They were born last Wednesday morning at 3:21 a.m. via c-section.  They were at 34 weeks and 1 day.  Both are in the NICU, but they are both doing well for their gestational age.  To fill you all in, here's how the labor/delivery went down...

I had an appointment last Friday, and there were no signs of labor on either the ultrasound or the cervical check--everyone thought we were still weeks away. I was uncomfortable over the weekend, but nothing very different from what I've been feeling for weeks now. On Sunday, I began worrying about baby girl, thinking she wasn't moving as much as normal. This feeling continued, so on Tuesday I called in and went for an ultrasound. Again, everything looked perfect. Tuesday night I had a board meeting, and towards the end of the meeting around 7:45 I had two really strong contractions. I didn't feel anything else, though, and thought nothing about it. In fact, on my way out of the meeting, I kept telling people to expect the babies in about two weeks.

A and I walked the dogs around 8:15, then we opened and began playing with our new video baby monitors. A had the light off in the nursery and was making faces into the monitor, and I was downstairs checking to see how well it worked. We were laughing, joking around, but when I started back up the stairs I only made it to the third one. Suddenly, my water broke, just like on a movie...it was shocking! I called up to A, "Honey, my water just broke," and he thought I was joking. When he looked over the railing and saw me standing in a puddle he realized this was the real deal, and he immediately began freaking out. Neither of us had packed, so we began throwing stuff together. I finally got A calmed down, we got enough together to get us through the day, and off we went. Luckily, my doctor was on call, so he met us at the hospital.

In triage they quickly confirmed that my water had broken, and the doctor said we'd be doing a c-section within the hour. I wasn't contracting yet, so I was still pretty calm. I was upset that the babies were coming earlier than expected, but I knew there was nothing we could do. Unfortunately two emergencies came in, pushing us back, and I began having strong contractions around 1:00 a.m. We were finally wheeled to the OR at 3:00, and at 3:21 a.m. on August 24th we heard the most beautiful sound--our two babies crying. I saw them very quickly in the OR, and A got to hold them each for about 30 seconds, then they were whisked to the nursery. A and our families got to watch them being evaluated and stabilized, but I was stuck in my room recovering. Finally, 6 hours later, my babies were wheeled in to meet me. It was bittersweet--they were the most precious things ever, but they were in isolettes and I couldn't hold them.

The babies headed to the NICU across the street, and I was taken to postpartum. A and the families got to go visit in the NICU, but again I had to wait. This was truly excruciating. I was hearing about my babies from everyone else, when I should have been the first to know them. Finally, around 3:00 p.m., I got to visit the NICU and touch our son and daughter. Since then, A and I have been visiting as much as possible and soaking up every second with our babies.

As of now, baby boy is on nasal oxygen. He is receiving my milk via tube to his stomach, and is digesting better and better. We really hope his breathing improves soon, as we need to get him more stable so we can start working towards other goals. A and I have both gotten to hold him (inside his pouch) a few times, and we cherish those special moments.

Baby girl is on a respirator and is on medication to close a valve that failed to close after birth. Once she is off the medicine, she will hopefully begin eating via tube. We have gotten to change her diaper, but have not yet gotten to hold her, which is breaking my heart. I am aching to have her in my arms!

Although it's terribly difficult to not have them here, we know they are in the best hands right now. We are incredibly thankful for all the wonderful doctors and nurses there. We will keep you all as updated as we have time to, and we beg you to continue to pray for the twins' health and development.

nyt magazine

This morning in the New York Times Magazine, there is an article called "Unnatural Selection."  The article is about the increasing demand for twin to singleton pregnancy reductions.  I am pro-choice.  I firmly believe that a woman has a legal right to make choices regarding her own body and her own reproductive health.  As a woman who has lost three children and is now anxiously awaiting the birth of my 32 week twins, this was quite a difficult read.

After our journey with recurrent loss, we were elated to find out we were having twins.  I literally felt like I had won the lottery, only this was better.  We were having two children.  Sure, two children at once brings up scary questions about time and money and energy, but after working so hard for a pregnancy, these fears paled in comparison to the joy we felt.  Reading that many women, after undergoing fertility treatments, choose to reduce to a singleton for social or financial reasons is baffling to me.

What is more difficult, though, is a quote near the beginning of the article.  One of the women interviewed stated: "If I had conceived these twins naturally, I wouldn't have reduced this pregnancy, because you feel like if there's a natural order, then you don't want to disturb it.  But we created this child in such an artificial manner--in a test tube, choosing an egg donor, having the embryo placed in me-- and somehow, making a decision about how many to carry seemed to be just another choice.  The pregnancy was all so consumerish to begin with, and this became yet another thing we could control."  Why would any woman say this, allowing such garbage to be published in an international publication?  These are the very beliefs that we, as members of the infertility community, are trying to fight against.  Whether conceived through IUI, IVF, with donor eggs or sperm, our children are not "unnatural" or "artificial."  Calling fertility treatments "consumerish" implies that you can somehow go pick out the kind of child you want and then be guaranteed to take that child home in 9 months.  But we know it doesn't work that way.  Despite ours and the doctors' best efforts, treatments often don't work.   

When members of our own community are making such ignorant statements, we have a long way to go in making people understand infertility and its treatments.  Here's hoping that not many people read this article.

32 weeks

Tomorrow we will be 32 weeks pregnant...if you had told me in February that we would get to this point, I'm not sure I would have believed you.  Yet here we are, with a son and a daughter poking away in my belly.  We do have some concerns now, though, so the length of this pregnancy may be shorter than I would like.  Baby boy is doing great.  His growth has slowed a bit, which is to be expected with twins, but he is still gaining a good amount of weight.  Baby girl, however, has dropped to the 7th percentile (5th or less is considered growth restricted).  She is not gaining much at this point, so there is a possibility the doctor will want to deliver early.  We should know more after meeting with our doctor on Friday, and I am praying for at least a few more weeks.  Every week they are in my belly and not in the NICU is a little victory.