Thank You!

Yesterday was a fabulous day...A graduated with his masters degree!  This is the culmination of many papers, exams, and years of working full time while going to class.  I am so proud, and we were thankful that both of our families were able to come visit and celebrate with us.  After everyone left today, though, I was a little sad.  No one in our families mentioned or wanted to talk about our recent decision to do IVF.  They didn't ask questions or how we were feeling.  In fact, they went to pains not to refer to our current situation.  I know that discussing these topics makes some people feel really uncomfortable, but it's the most important part of our lives right now and I actually like to discuss it with loved ones.  When people act like it's not even going on, I start to feel like they don't care.  I know that I am unhealthily consumed with trying to get pregnant, but don't our parents even care? 

And thus another reason that I love writing and reading blogs.  This community is so unique...it's full of women who don't know me in real life but care about the mundane details of our struggles.  I can write about my test results and don't even have to explain what they mean.  You all understand the deep desire to talk about it all, the therapeutic effect of sharing your excitement and anxiety.  So many of the blogs I follow are currently going through an IVF cycle...I get so much comfort reading your words and learning more about what I can expect in January.  I long for a group of people I can be this honest with face-to-face, but I know that I am unlikely to find that.  So thank you, each of you, for being my sounding board and making this all a little more bearable.

thanksgiving

In honor of Thanksgiving week, I'm doing one last "thankful" post.  I must admit, writing only positive things has been quite a challenge for me.  So here's my final list of things for which I am grateful.

• Running.  I love running, but it's one of the things I had to give up while trying to get pregnant.  In our little break from TTCing during the run up to IVF, I am so enjoying getting on the road.  It's great to feel like I have some control over my body again!
• Seasons.  I am blessed to live in a part of the country that actually experiences four seasons.  We are currently at the point where fall meets winter, and it's exciting to feel the air getting crisp.  It reminds me that Christmas is right around the corner.
• Paper mail.  I have a few friends who, like me, still believe in writing and mailing actual cards.  Receiving a handwritten note is a unique blessing, and I am thankful for the friends who have written me over the last few months.
• My precious dogs.  I've posted about them before, but I just couldn't leave them off this list.  They are my little angels, and they manage to make me smile every single day, no matter what else is going on in my life.  When I am grumpy, they just love on me more, which is fabulous.
• Our house.  We live in an adorable little 1940-built cottage, and it's the perfect first home.  It's located in the most expensive neighborhood in our town, so I'm not sure how much longer we will be here, but I am so thankful for the time we have spent here and the warmth it has provided.
• This blogging community.  I am so thankful that I discovered this group of women who understand the place I am in right now.  I am now seriously addicted to following blogs and am thankful for this outlet.
• My in-laws.  I hear so many in-law horror stories and am repeatedly reminded of how lucky I am.  My in-laws are very supportive, yet give us our distance, and I could not have joined a better family.
• Finally, this year I am thankful for the three little ones we have lost.  Don't get me wrong, I am NOT THANKFUL that we lost them...in fact, I am still very angry and confused as to why we will never get to hold them and love on them.  Their short presence in my life, however, changed me forever and connected A and I in a deeply new way.  I feel confident that we will be able to look back on this time at some point in the future and realize that we grew tremendously, both as individuals and as a couple.  While I would prefer a baby in my arms (or in my belly) to any growth experience, I am glad I got to be their mother, if only for a few days, and I am thankful that they touched my life.

thankful for A

Today, and every day for that matter, I am thankful for my husband A.  A is not perfect, but I am often convinced that he is as close to perfection as one can get.  He is a perfect balance to my sometimes neurotic personality...he reminds me that common sense is more valuable than "book smarts" at times, and that over-analyzing decisions does not always lead to the best result.  My family can be less than supportive, but A walks directly beside me in all things.  He treats me like a princess, but what I am most thankful for is the way he treats others.  His kindness and willingness to serve are his greatest traits, and he inspires me to be a better person.  When I get frutrated with family, friends, or even strangers, A reminds me that we have no ideal what is going on in their lives.  What looks shiny on the surface may be gray and mucky underneath.  As if all of this weren't enough, he's incredibly handsome!

Our marriage is far from perfect...I find irrational reasons to be angry and/or sulk quite often.  I say things in the heat of a disagreement that I instantly regret, and I don't treat A with the same kindness he grants to me.  I hope he knows, however, how lucky I feel to be his wife and how truly grateful I am for him.

thankful part 2...plus a little reality

Today, I am thankful for the entertainment industry.  This may sound trivial, but aren't there moments when we all just want to get lost in fiction?  For our early Christmas present/let's forget about the miscarriage for a bit outing, A got us tickets to an Elton John concert tonight!  Elton has always been on my list of concerts I want to see before I or the performer dies, and we have floor seats on the 18th row...way to go A!  In additional exciting entertainment news, the newest Harry Potter is on the agenda this weekend.  The Boy Who Lived always cheers me up (despite the probable darkness of this film), and I am thankful that JK Rowling was brilliant enough to create such a wonder-filled world.

Outside the world of fiction, we got the news we expected at our appointment yesterday.  Because the first pregnancy was ectopic, our doc is fairly convinced that the subsequent failed pregnancies have also been ectopics that resolved themselves.  Since we seem to have good eggs and good sperm based on the number of times we've conceived, he thinks the problem is my tubes.  The only way to take the tubes out of the equation is, of course, IVF, which is his recommendation. 

We are currently on the calendar for the January IVF cycle, but I am still trying to process this all.  Ignorantly, I never thought we would end up here.  The practical side of this is overwhelming right now...should we get a second opinion (while I'm sure it's a good ideal, I also hate the thought of finding and talking to yet another doc)?  Where are we going to get the money?  What if it doesn't work? 

Our biggest reservation has always been the thought of leftover frozen embryos, so we discussed with our doc the ideal of only exposing 8 eggs to fertilization and I am feeling much better about that.  There is still so much to consider, though.  I don't want to rush into this, but I am so ready to make a decision and go with it.  I am THANKFUL, however, that I don't have to make any of these decisions alone. 

thankful

As hard as it is to believe, Thanksgiving is upon us.  In just one week, we will be eating Turkey and checking out the Christmas sales.  The holiday season has always been my favorite time of year, but recently every special occasion has been bittersweet...each one is a reminder that I thought I would be pregnant by now.  In an effort to get into the holiday spirit and remind myself of how blessed I truly am, I am going to post a few blogs over the next week about things things for which I am thankful (with some not so cheery posts potentially thrown into the mix).  It is difficult to focus on the "happy" in life when we feel so bogged down by the "sad," but trying to change my focus reminds me of how much more difficult my life could be.

Today I am very, very thankful...A found out this afternoon that he passed his comps and will be graduating with his masters degree in three weeks!  Our family needed a victory, and the giddy feeling of knowing that A is finished with his program was a welcome break from bad news.  I am so proud of him--his diligence and persistence are now paying off!

I am also thankful for flowers.  I find a fresh bouquet to be so soothing and heartwarming, and this week I have been inundated with blooms!  A brought me a beautiful bouquet on Monday, and my sister (yes, the usually evil one) sent a lovely arrangement on Tuesday.  Then today at work, I was called to reception to find a gorgeous bouquet...amazingly, they were from two out-of-town friends who had heard about our third loss from a mutual friend...so thoughtful!  I am thankful for the flowers I have received this week for two reasons.  First, they are gorgeous and make my house/office smell fabulous.  But second, and more importantly, they are a tangible recognition of the losses we have suffered.  I can see/touch/smell that someone is thinking of us and knows that we are grieving.