At 11 weeks, 2 days, we had our next to last appointment with my RE. Everything looked great, and on Monday we see him for the last time. I am unbelievably excited to be this point, but I will miss the staff at this office so much. Their kindness and compassion has been immeasurable.
I also get to stop my meds on Saturday...I actually take my last dose tomorrow night. I have been itching to get off this endometrin, but now that the time has come it feels a little weird. Taking these meds is the one thing I do everyday to help the babies. Now I'm becoming normal........huh.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
believing
This weekend was my annual girls' weekend with my college friends. It's always so wonderful to spend time with these girls, but this weekend brought on some unexpected feelings.
The first day we talked about the twins quite a bit. We talked about them like they were real, like they would definitely going to be arriving this fall. This was the most I had let myself go into that reality. It felt wonderful to talk about them without reserve, to imagine what next year's weekend would be like with my two little ones in tow. That night, however, I had a terrible nightmare. There were two precious babies sitting by a white pillow, and one kept turning blue. The baby was revived several times, then finally died in my arms.
The next day I felt anxious all day. I didn't want to act totally crazy, but it was hard not to. By evening, it was all too much...I had a breakdown while showering which continued for a bit. Luckily I had my own room and was able to spend some quiet time getting my thoughts in order. A was nearby and I almost had him pick me up, but I powered through and spent another night in bed alone...and had another terrible dream, this one about my dogs. I was supposed to spend one more night with the girls and have A pick me up the following morning, but I needed my husband. I didn't just want him, I needed him. He picked me up late that afternoon and we went to dinner, walked on the beach, and spent some nice quality time together. That night I slept beside him and thankfully had no nightmares.
I feel like I am becoming one of those girls who is far too dependant on her husband. The thing is, he is the only one who really understands that this pregnancy has brought pure joy and unbelievable anxiety into our lives. He is the only one who has been there every step of the way, through every triumph and every heartbreak. I don't want to be a clingy homebody, but I also don't like being away from him too long. Hopefully this will get better with time, but for now I am just thankful that I have such an amazing husband to lean on.
The first day we talked about the twins quite a bit. We talked about them like they were real, like they would definitely going to be arriving this fall. This was the most I had let myself go into that reality. It felt wonderful to talk about them without reserve, to imagine what next year's weekend would be like with my two little ones in tow. That night, however, I had a terrible nightmare. There were two precious babies sitting by a white pillow, and one kept turning blue. The baby was revived several times, then finally died in my arms.
The next day I felt anxious all day. I didn't want to act totally crazy, but it was hard not to. By evening, it was all too much...I had a breakdown while showering which continued for a bit. Luckily I had my own room and was able to spend some quiet time getting my thoughts in order. A was nearby and I almost had him pick me up, but I powered through and spent another night in bed alone...and had another terrible dream, this one about my dogs. I was supposed to spend one more night with the girls and have A pick me up the following morning, but I needed my husband. I didn't just want him, I needed him. He picked me up late that afternoon and we went to dinner, walked on the beach, and spent some nice quality time together. That night I slept beside him and thankfully had no nightmares.
I feel like I am becoming one of those girls who is far too dependant on her husband. The thing is, he is the only one who really understands that this pregnancy has brought pure joy and unbelievable anxiety into our lives. He is the only one who has been there every step of the way, through every triumph and every heartbreak. I don't want to be a clingy homebody, but I also don't like being away from him too long. Hopefully this will get better with time, but for now I am just thankful that I have such an amazing husband to lean on.
Monday, March 7, 2011
9 weeks 6 days
Both babies looked great today at the ultrasound. One is measuing 10 weeks, and the other is at 9 weeks 4 days. The heart rates are 187 and 169. The first one we looked at was twitching and waving his arms, then the second one did a whole little dance for us. Adorable! While looking at one set of legs, we definitely saw what looked like "boy parts" according to the nurse...we'll see if that continues.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
telling the fam
Both of our mothers kept asking when they could tell extended family, and we pushed them off as long as possible. We had told several friends, though, and started to get nervous that word would accidentally slip out and we would hurt someone's feelings. So on Friday, we gave the go-ahead to tell family. It's weird...it's been so wonderful to receive so many warm messages, but it also brings on a new sense of anxiety. I can't help but think of all the people we will have to un-tell if things don't end the way we want. For now, though, I am grateful for their support and prayers...and I'm also grateful that no one has really inquired about the twins thing.
Which brings me to my next point....pregnancy loss and IVF is a huge part of our journey, and it feels wrong not to share the entire story. I truly believe that the more honest we all are, the less of a stigma infertility will carry. We started a blog for our real life friends (they don't know about this one), and I feel compelled to tell our whole story there.* I know this may ruffle some feathers, so I am trying to weigh the cost/benefit and make sure I am doing it for the right reasons. Maybe I will tell the story without too many details? Any thoughts on this?
While telling the fam, we did run into one rocky bit. I sent my mom an email saying we had decided it was okay to tell family. Later that night, I got an email from an old high school friend saying my mom had just called her to tell her the good news. What the hell?!?!? We aren't even out of the first trimester, and she is calling random people with our news! This girl is clearly not part of the family!
* As this pregnancy progresses, I will likely be posting less and less on this blog (though I will definitely keep following all of you). If you want the link to my real life blog, email me at stillaguestroom@gmail.com. Just promise not to somehow give away this blog's identity!
Which brings me to my next point....pregnancy loss and IVF is a huge part of our journey, and it feels wrong not to share the entire story. I truly believe that the more honest we all are, the less of a stigma infertility will carry. We started a blog for our real life friends (they don't know about this one), and I feel compelled to tell our whole story there.* I know this may ruffle some feathers, so I am trying to weigh the cost/benefit and make sure I am doing it for the right reasons. Maybe I will tell the story without too many details? Any thoughts on this?
While telling the fam, we did run into one rocky bit. I sent my mom an email saying we had decided it was okay to tell family. Later that night, I got an email from an old high school friend saying my mom had just called her to tell her the good news. What the hell?!?!? We aren't even out of the first trimester, and she is calling random people with our news! This girl is clearly not part of the family!
* As this pregnancy progresses, I will likely be posting less and less on this blog (though I will definitely keep following all of you). If you want the link to my real life blog, email me at stillaguestroom@gmail.com. Just promise not to somehow give away this blog's identity!
Monday, February 28, 2011
a rough night
While watching the oscars last night, I suddenly started spotting pink/light brown. The doctor assured me that it was probably nothing, but I was terrified. We went to the office at 9:00 this morning, and thankfully the twins looked great. Both measuring at 8 weeks 5 days with heart rates of 180 and 169. I'm still spotting a little, though, so still feeling anxious.
In an effort to reassure me, the doctor said that things were progressing normally. He said something to the effect of "normal pregnancies progress normally, and normal pregnancies are much more likely to continue to be normal than for something to go wrong." Am I ever going to feel normal? Is there going to be a day when suddenly I believe that this is a normal pregnancy? I am beyond grateful to be pregnant, but am looking forward to the day when things feel a little more real.
In an effort to reassure me, the doctor said that things were progressing normally. He said something to the effect of "normal pregnancies progress normally, and normal pregnancies are much more likely to continue to be normal than for something to go wrong." Am I ever going to feel normal? Is there going to be a day when suddenly I believe that this is a normal pregnancy? I am beyond grateful to be pregnant, but am looking forward to the day when things feel a little more real.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
i'm it
Thanks to Kelly (a fellow southerner who is also pregnant) and Lulu (one of the first bloggers I started following) for tagging me in this fun little survey! It's always fun to have a reason to write a different kind of entry, so here we go...
Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.
Here are my tags:
1) Alex at Alex's Adventures
2) tasivfer at Riding the IVF Roller Coaster
3) cgd at Adventures in Infertility-Land
4) Christa at I Can't Control Everything
(and all of my other fabulous followers...if you want to do the survey, please consider yourself tagged!)
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Our two precious dogs are definitely part of the family! They may be smaller than the twins will be when they arrive, but they occupy a big part of our hearts...they even have monogrammed Christmas stockings.
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? These two babies are my dream...I just want them to be healthy and make it to the fall.
3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Pay off our mortgage, get a new mommy car, start a big college fund for the twins...and definitely spend a little on a fabulous spa day and shopping spree. Oh, and I'm not completely shallow, so I would donate to my favorite charities, including the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? My husband, my puppies, and a bottle of red wine (when I'm not pregnant).
5. What is your bedtime routine? Pretty simple...wash my face, brush my teeth, say goodnight to the dogs and babies, try to read a bit.
6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? We met in college. Since this is anonymous, I can tell the real story, which is that we met at an initiation for a secret society (nothing crazy cool, but definitely an honor).
7. What kind of books do you read? Anything fiction. Right now I'm re-reading East of Eden, but I'm just as likely to put up a little chick lit as classic literature.
8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I don't even want to guess, but hopefully with two 9 year olds.
9. What’s your fear? My biggest fear right now is that something will happen to these precious babies. Some of my less rational fears include crickets and tornados.
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? NEVER!
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Hit the snooze button!
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? Nothing...he is pretty perfect, but don't tell him that.
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I'm not a huge fan of my name (it's very 80s), but I wouldn't want to change it at this point.
14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Sun!!!! Who wrote this question?
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Pasta, pasta, pasta--I am pretty sure I was supposed to be Italian.
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? All the wonderful bloggie friends I have met.
17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? I really can't pick...I love salty things, but have a terrible sweet tooth as well.
18. What items are in your purse right now? Wallet, a little make-up kit, planner, tape measurer (you wouldn't believe how many times I've used this), endometrin, prometrium, and a plethora of other items that I probably don't know I have.
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? Beach! I live close to the mountains, so the beach is more of a treat.
20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? I watch too much TV period...my guilty pleasures are shows like Kendra and the Kardashians.
Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.
Here are my tags:
1) Alex at Alex's Adventures
2) tasivfer at Riding the IVF Roller Coaster
3) cgd at Adventures in Infertility-Land
4) Christa at I Can't Control Everything
(and all of my other fabulous followers...if you want to do the survey, please consider yourself tagged!)
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Our two precious dogs are definitely part of the family! They may be smaller than the twins will be when they arrive, but they occupy a big part of our hearts...they even have monogrammed Christmas stockings.
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? These two babies are my dream...I just want them to be healthy and make it to the fall.
3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Pay off our mortgage, get a new mommy car, start a big college fund for the twins...and definitely spend a little on a fabulous spa day and shopping spree. Oh, and I'm not completely shallow, so I would donate to my favorite charities, including the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? My husband, my puppies, and a bottle of red wine (when I'm not pregnant).
5. What is your bedtime routine? Pretty simple...wash my face, brush my teeth, say goodnight to the dogs and babies, try to read a bit.
6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? We met in college. Since this is anonymous, I can tell the real story, which is that we met at an initiation for a secret society (nothing crazy cool, but definitely an honor).
7. What kind of books do you read? Anything fiction. Right now I'm re-reading East of Eden, but I'm just as likely to put up a little chick lit as classic literature.
8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I don't even want to guess, but hopefully with two 9 year olds.
9. What’s your fear? My biggest fear right now is that something will happen to these precious babies. Some of my less rational fears include crickets and tornados.
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? NEVER!
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Hit the snooze button!
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? Nothing...he is pretty perfect, but don't tell him that.
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I'm not a huge fan of my name (it's very 80s), but I wouldn't want to change it at this point.
14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Sun!!!! Who wrote this question?
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Pasta, pasta, pasta--I am pretty sure I was supposed to be Italian.
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? All the wonderful bloggie friends I have met.
17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? I really can't pick...I love salty things, but have a terrible sweet tooth as well.
18. What items are in your purse right now? Wallet, a little make-up kit, planner, tape measurer (you wouldn't believe how many times I've used this), endometrin, prometrium, and a plethora of other items that I probably don't know I have.
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? Beach! I live close to the mountains, so the beach is more of a treat.
20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? I watch too much TV period...my guilty pleasures are shows like Kendra and the Kardashians.
Monday, February 21, 2011
all is well
Another good report for Bit and Bitty today. I am 7 weeks 6 days, and one was measuring right at 7 weeks 6 days, with the other at 7 weeks 5 days. They doubled in size since last week--they are now measuring right around 2/3 of an inch. Their heartrates were 165 bpm and 155 bpm. Pretty much perfect for now! So thankful!
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