My RE does an ultrasound each week during the first trimester. It's such a treat to see these babies grow each week, but I'm beginning to notice a not so great behavioral pattern. Because I don't work on Mondays, I always schedule my appointment for Monday. And, unfailingly, I have a bit of a breakdown on Sunday.
This weekend A and I went to visit a city to which we are considering moving. On both Friday and Saturday, I had little to no nausea, which always makes me a bit nervous. I managed to contain my breakdown until tdoay. I began the day with a mini-box of cheerios, then after church had my second breakfast of a yummy, buttery biscuit. As we were driving home, though, extreme hunger struck and I HAD to eat. We spotted a Cracker Barrell and quickly ordered. This is where the breakdown began. I started crying at the table waiting for food because I was so hungry I was in pain. I pulled it together and made it through lunch, but once we got back into the car the sobbing began. I let out all my fears that these babies are not going to be okay...that we are going to go to an ultrasound one week and it's all going to be over...that this cannot be real...that this cannot end well.
I know I can't worry like this every day, or even every week, but it's so hard to believe that I might end up with two healthy babies. Praying for a little more peace every day, and hoping for the same for each of you as well.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
the things we do
While catching up on blogs today, I started thinking about the things we do in the name of fertility that we would never have previously imagined. We give ourselves shots, we have sex (or don't have sex) on demand, we put medicine in places it should never go. But beyond the medicinal, many of us also turn to "alternative" therapies. From meditation to psychics, the pursuit of a child often pushes us beyond our normal boundaries.
So what's the craziest thing I have done for fertility? There is a Ripley's Believe It or Not about an hour from my home, and last summer, they had two fertility statues touring their locations. When the statues arrived at the location nearest us, I immediately began planning our visit. Many Ripleys put the statues in the lobby so that they can be seen and touched for free, but our Ripley's placed them behind the ticketed entrance. A and I paid $30 to pass through the turnstile and get our chance to lay hands on these allegedly mystical statues.
As you may recall from previous posts, I am a fairly devout Christian, so seeking the intervention of statues was not part of my normal routine. Sure, both A and I viewed it as a bit of a joke, but I cannot deny that a part of me truly hoped those statues would help me out.
So what's the craziest thing I have done for fertility? There is a Ripley's Believe It or Not about an hour from my home, and last summer, they had two fertility statues touring their locations. When the statues arrived at the location nearest us, I immediately began planning our visit. Many Ripleys put the statues in the lobby so that they can be seen and touched for free, but our Ripley's placed them behind the ticketed entrance. A and I paid $30 to pass through the turnstile and get our chance to lay hands on these allegedly mystical statues.
As you may recall from previous posts, I am a fairly devout Christian, so seeking the intervention of statues was not part of my normal routine. Sure, both A and I viewed it as a bit of a joke, but I cannot deny that a part of me truly hoped those statues would help me out.
Unfortunately their assistance was lost on me, as I experienced three failed pregnancies after touching these guys. For those who want to take their own shot at statue luck, though, I believe they are still touring.
Monday, February 14, 2011
a very happy valentine's day
A has never been a huge fan of Valentine's Day, but I think I may have converted him today. Our ultrasound showed two fetal poles and two easy to spot heartbeats! I am officially 6 weeks, 6 days today, but one was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days with a heart rate of 131 beats per minute, and the other was at 6 weeks 5 days with a heart rate of 123 beats per minute. The doctor said this was all perfectly within the normal range, and he was even able to show us the red and blue blood flow in each of the little hearts. Precious! We have decided that the verse in Genesis regarding God calling the animals two by two is our theme for this pregnancy, so after the ultrasound we celebrated by purchasing the most adorable little plush ark with several sets of animals (I had spotted it earlier but wanted to wait until we saw the heartbeats).
I hope that you are all having a wonderful Valentine's Day and that you are able to spend it with someone you love, or at least doing something you love. Happy Valentine's Day!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
headlines
Today CNN ran an article titled "Pick a Baby's Birthday: 11-11-11" about how people had actually called doctors asking when to have sex to have a baby on 11-11-11. Yea, because that's how it works. Have sex on one magical day and you are guaranteed to birth a baby a certain number of weeks later. The headline alone was offensive...these types of articles are definitely part of the reason we are all so surprised when we have trouble bringing our little bundles of joy home. It infuriates me that our society just assumes everyone is fertile. Last night, for instance, I was at book club and someone commented that they were surprised a certain couple didn't have kids yet. I quickly added a "you never know their situation" to the chat, the token RPL girl reminding everyone that it's not always so easy.
In pregnancy news, I have my next ultrasound on Monday (6 weeks 5 days) and am praying to see two heartbeats. I've been constantly queasy, and my boobs look like aliens, so I'm taking these as good signs.
In pregnancy news, I have my next ultrasound on Monday (6 weeks 5 days) and am praying to see two heartbeats. I've been constantly queasy, and my boobs look like aliens, so I'm taking these as good signs.
Monday, February 7, 2011
beautiful
Today I heard the most beautiful sound--the sound of one of our little guy's hearts. I had my weekly ultrasound today (5 weeks 6 days) and there were still two perfect gestational sacs and yolk sacs, definitely bigger and more defined than last Thursday. The doctor was able to spot the little flicker of a heartbeat on one, and somehow was able to fix the machine so we could hear it. Wow. The other yolk sac is so close to the side of my uterus that he couldn't find the flicker, but he didn't seem worried at all, so I'm choosing not to worry as well. After all, we are still shy of 6 weeks.
Every week, every day really, I fall more in love with these two little beings starting their lives inside me. I think that during the IVF process I was glamorizing the idea of twins, thinking about how cute they would be together and how they could be each other's best friend. The reality of two babies is sinking in more now, and though I couldn't be more excited, I am also starting to remind myself that two babies will bring its own set of challenges. First and foremost is the challenge of keeping them healthy during gestation. After my ultrasound, the doctor got the "due date" wheel out and was showing me that even though my technical due date is October 4th, I will likely deliver in early September. September is a long way away though, and we still have lots of challenges ahead of us, so for now I am counting each time I see these little ones looking healthy on the screen as a victory.
Every week, every day really, I fall more in love with these two little beings starting their lives inside me. I think that during the IVF process I was glamorizing the idea of twins, thinking about how cute they would be together and how they could be each other's best friend. The reality of two babies is sinking in more now, and though I couldn't be more excited, I am also starting to remind myself that two babies will bring its own set of challenges. First and foremost is the challenge of keeping them healthy during gestation. After my ultrasound, the doctor got the "due date" wheel out and was showing me that even though my technical due date is October 4th, I will likely deliver in early September. September is a long way away though, and we still have lots of challenges ahead of us, so for now I am counting each time I see these little ones looking healthy on the screen as a victory.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
bit AND bitty make an appearance
Yesterday I became convinced that I wasn't pregnant anymore. My boobs didn't hurt, I wasn't nauseated, I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't tired. A called the clinic this morning and asked them if they would do a quick blood draw to make me feel better. My veins are notoriously hard to stick, so when I arrived the nurse said, "Why don't we just do an ultrasound instead?" Of course I agreed...I would never turn down an opportunity to see my little baby!
After looking around for a few seconds, the doctor pointed out the gestational sac, and could even point out the yolk sac today. I was so relieved. Then he moved the wand a bit and pointed out our SECOND gestational sac. This one was a little harder to make out, but with a little maneuvering he was about to point out the yolk sac for that one as well! That's right, Bit and Bitty are both still hanging in there! I'm holding pictures of my two babies, and I could not be more ecstatic. I feel like I've won the lottery, only this is much better.
One slightly concerning thing came up at the appointment. I had fluid in my uterus. The doctor said this wasn't exactly "normal" but it also wasn't too concerning for now. Hopefully it will get reabsorbed and not cause any issues. Anyone have any experience with this?
So there you have it, pregnant with twins at 5 weeks 2 days, and not a symptom in sight. I guess that just proves the point that you should never read too much into symptoms, or lack thereof.
After looking around for a few seconds, the doctor pointed out the gestational sac, and could even point out the yolk sac today. I was so relieved. Then he moved the wand a bit and pointed out our SECOND gestational sac. This one was a little harder to make out, but with a little maneuvering he was about to point out the yolk sac for that one as well! That's right, Bit and Bitty are both still hanging in there! I'm holding pictures of my two babies, and I could not be more ecstatic. I feel like I've won the lottery, only this is much better.
One slightly concerning thing came up at the appointment. I had fluid in my uterus. The doctor said this wasn't exactly "normal" but it also wasn't too concerning for now. Hopefully it will get reabsorbed and not cause any issues. Anyone have any experience with this?
So there you have it, pregnant with twins at 5 weeks 2 days, and not a symptom in sight. I guess that just proves the point that you should never read too much into symptoms, or lack thereof.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
new territory
Yesterday A and I officially moved into the realm of clinical pregnancy. At our ultrasound at 4 weeks 6 days, we were able to see one perfect little gestational sac. All of our pregnancies up to this point have technically been chemical since they couldn't be confirmed via ultrasound, although that's a word that neither we nor our RE use (since these pregnancies are just as real as any other pregnancy). But we are now officially confirmed...there is something wonderful growing in my uterus.* Also, for those who are following along, my hcg went from 1526 on Saturday to 3788 on Monday, so the bleeding on Friday does not appear to have been anything of concern.
Today I am five weeks, and the further we get along the more I realize how deep my scars from our previous losses run. I am constantly afraid that the baby is going to disappear. I let myself eat pizza last night, and today felt so guilty that I forced myself to eat spinach for lunch. I yearn for nausea and morning sickness just to know that I'm still pregnant. I am terrified today, as I restarted my suppositories for the first time since the bleeding. I know that the fate of this pregnancy is out of my control, but that's not an easy fact to accept. I have never felt so utterly happy yet completely terrified at the same time, and it's a strange set of emotions to process.
*We saw one clearly defined gestational sac, and another spot that could potentially be a second sac. I am pretty sure it's just one, though, since at that hcg level a second sac would have likely been more defined. One perfect little guy!
Today I am five weeks, and the further we get along the more I realize how deep my scars from our previous losses run. I am constantly afraid that the baby is going to disappear. I let myself eat pizza last night, and today felt so guilty that I forced myself to eat spinach for lunch. I yearn for nausea and morning sickness just to know that I'm still pregnant. I am terrified today, as I restarted my suppositories for the first time since the bleeding. I know that the fate of this pregnancy is out of my control, but that's not an easy fact to accept. I have never felt so utterly happy yet completely terrified at the same time, and it's a strange set of emotions to process.
*We saw one clearly defined gestational sac, and another spot that could potentially be a second sac. I am pretty sure it's just one, though, since at that hcg level a second sac would have likely been more defined. One perfect little guy!
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